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Thread: Dear gun maker, I think my gun is broken.... Satire/bad idea and running with it.

  1. #1
    Regular Member Freedom1Man's Avatar
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    Dear gun maker, I think my gun is broken.... Satire/bad idea and running with it.

    Dear ACME Arms Inc,

    I believe that the guns that you sold me are defective. I remember all these campaign ads from organizations such as; Handgun Control Inc, The Million Mom March, Cease Fire, and the Coalition to Stop Gun Violence. They all promised me that guns do all sorts of things such as; kill people, rob liquor stores, and make people do violent things. I purchased the first gun from your company thinking that I might be able to begin observing these things. I had to fill out a form, wait a week, get permission to buy a gun from some government agency, and after that I finally got to bring it home. The car ride home had me very nervous I was sure I was going to be car jacked by this brand new .45 caliber gun. Surprisingly I got home without incident, phew. I took it into the house and the first night I could not sleep for fear that it might rob me in the middle of the night. Nothing happened though.

    After a week of nothing happening I decided to look up more information about this gun. It turns out that it requires some sort of special food to get it to come to life. So I went to the store I bought it from and told them that I had purchased the ACME Arms .45 caliber handgun and needed something to feed it. They asked me what I wanted to feed it. I told them anything that it will eat. They sold me a box of 50 food pellets and told me how to make sure it got fed. It cost me 30 dollars to buy this food for it and so I paid for it and took it home. I put the pellets into the food box the way I was shown and put the box into the gun. I was nervous about this and did not sleep well for now I knew it had been fed. After a night of poor sleep I got up and found the gun just where I had left it. I did not see any cash missing nor did I see any extra cash laying around.

    I went to work worried that when I got home there was going to have been a shoot out and a stand off with the police at my home. I got home and found that nothing had happened. I was relieved and I found it was odd that the gun had not moved even one inch. I looked online fearing it might be sick and so the observation might not be valid. I learned that guns also like to be oiled. So I looked in the manual that came with it and bought oil and oiled it up. Nothing happened that night afterwards nor did anything happen at all that week. I fed it ammo and oil and yet nothing happened.

    I decided to look into why nothing was happening. I learned that a .45 caliber gun was a calmer gun and was not known for going out on the town as much and causing trouble. I did learn that sometimes it would sometimes cause trouble if it was with other guns. So I went and purchased a few of the ACME Arms guns. I purchased two 9 millimeter guns, a .40 caliber, and a the scariest looking .50 caliber. I knew to buy the correct food for them this time and purchased them all at the same time still had to do paperwork get permission etc. Well this time to be safe I put the guns in the trunk of the car and kept the food in the cab. I fed the oil and their correct food when I got them home and put them with the .45 caliber gun. I put them in the same room and then got worried that they might cause trouble if they decided to fight over who got what part of the room. Nothing happened the rest of that day, that night, or that week.

    I did go and check on them once a day. They never once moved. Where was the killing, destruction, and crime that those organizations warned me about? It was not happening. So I wondered if maybe it was like some sort of poison that leaked out of them that might make me violent. I wanted to know. So I put one of the 9 millimeters on the headboard of my bed. The next morning I didn't feel any more violent at all. I tried sleeping like this for a week and nothing happened. I even tried putting them all on the head board and still nothing changed. I did not feel any more violent than when I had started.

    I poked around and decided to look into the mass shootings the news talked about. They told me about something called a gun show and how all these crimes where committed by/with guns found at gun shows. I knew I had found the missing part of this experiment. I went in and purchased identical copies of the guns I already owned but, I knew theses were guns show guns so they MUST be the ones that will cause an observable change in violence. I took them home without all the paper work and the same day I picked them out. I guess gun show are to guns as the rescue shelters are for dogs and cats. I took them home cleaned them, fed them their food, and oil after that I replaced the ones on my head board with the ones from the gun show. I know that this was a risky move but I had to try it.

    A whole month went by and nothing changed not even a single shot went off nothing. I wondered if maybe I needed to have more contact with the guns to experience this up swell in violence that I was told would happen. So I went to the gun store and asked if there was a way to carry a gun with me all the time. The asked me if I wanted to open carry or carry concealed/hidden. I said both? The sales guys was nice and asked me if I had a concealed pistol license. I told him no. So he told me where and how to get one. I went and filed out the paper work paid a fee and got it in the mail a month later. I went back to the store and told the guy that I now had a concealed pistol license. He asked me what gun I wanted to carry I told him what I had and he sold me 4 holsters 2 concealed carry ones and 2 open carry ones. A special one was needed for the .50 caliber it turned out.

    I got them fitted and took a month long vacation so I could get as much contact time with my guns as I could. I wore only the gun show guns with one in the open and one concealed. I went out to a store that sold liquor and the guns stayed put in their holsters the whole time. So I went to an ATM machine and they never once came out even when the people in front of me withdrew cash. I then went to a mall where there were many people and yet no mass shooting took place that day. The guns stayed in their holsters the whole time. The funny thing is that not only did I not feel any more violent I noticed that I was more calm and relaxed the longer I carried them.

    So in short it looks like either you made some defective handguns or the agencies who told me that the guns caused robberies, murders, and violence lied to me. Would you be so kind as to let me know what the case might be. I would really hate to have this observation be invalidated because the guns that you make are defective.

    Thank you,

    John D. Public.

    PS I think that your 9mm pistols cheat at poker I just can't prove it yet.
    ---------------------

    I got the idea to write this bogus letter during our local meetup. I know I know that I had originally said that I did not plan to present it here but, I just could not resist.
    Provision for free medical attendance and nursing, for clothing, for food, for housing, for the education of children, and a hundred other matters, might with equal propriety be proposed as tending to relieve the employee of mental strain and worry. --- These matters obviously lie outside the orbit of congressional power. (Railroad Retirement Board v Alton Railroad)

  2. #2
    Campaign Veteran MAC702's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Freedom1Man View Post
    ...PS I think that your 9mm pistols cheat at poker I just can't prove it yet...
    Love it!
    "It's not important how many people I've killed. What's important is how I get along with the people who are still alive" - Jimmy the Tulip

  3. #3
    Regular Member cabledawg's Avatar
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    It's a bit long winded, but good nonetheless. Shorten it down to two paragraphs or less and it'd make an awesome poster!

  4. #4
    Regular Member Freedom1Man's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by cabledawg View Post
    It's a bit long winded, but good nonetheless. Shorten it down to two paragraphs or less and it'd make an awesome poster!
    Feel free to edit it as you see fit.

    I know it was going to be long winded I needed to get that out though.
    Provision for free medical attendance and nursing, for clothing, for food, for housing, for the education of children, and a hundred other matters, might with equal propriety be proposed as tending to relieve the employee of mental strain and worry. --- These matters obviously lie outside the orbit of congressional power. (Railroad Retirement Board v Alton Railroad)

  5. #5
    Regular Member Freedom1Man's Avatar
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    Click image for larger version. 

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    Now do something like this for your guns and share it all over.
    Provision for free medical attendance and nursing, for clothing, for food, for housing, for the education of children, and a hundred other matters, might with equal propriety be proposed as tending to relieve the employee of mental strain and worry. --- These matters obviously lie outside the orbit of congressional power. (Railroad Retirement Board v Alton Railroad)

  6. #6
    Regular Member Freedom1Man's Avatar
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    I kinda expected more comments.
    Provision for free medical attendance and nursing, for clothing, for food, for housing, for the education of children, and a hundred other matters, might with equal propriety be proposed as tending to relieve the employee of mental strain and worry. --- These matters obviously lie outside the orbit of congressional power. (Railroad Retirement Board v Alton Railroad)

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    That's why I carry a Colt "Defender". It can live up to it's name without a bullet even being fired.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by Freedom1Man View Post
    I kinda expected more comments.
    To be honest, I only read about half. It was really long, and I got the gist within the first few paragraphs. I don't feel there's anything to add to it because you covered it all fairly extensively

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by Freedom1Man View Post
    I kinda expected more comments.
    Its a great exercise in sarcasm. No, really.

    As others mentioned, its too long. The problem is not that it is too long by getting across too many points; the problem is that its too long for sarcasm. Sarcasm works great in small doses. Ready some of Mark Twains short stories and you will see what I mean.

    If you were to re-word that whole essay for a non-sarcastic point of view, it would be positively wonderous. For example, you could change it to fantasy or fairy tale, but continue to personify the gun. Or, if you are really creative, maybe you could turn it into 1940's film noir mystery, as in say Sam Spade and the Maltese Falcon, for example, tell a story as you investigate the gun for (just winging it here) the crime of not killing enough innocents or even not killing enough bad guys. You could even leave in a little bit of sarcasm if you did it right.

    If you want to keep the satirical angle, no problem. Just re-work it to take out most of the sarcasm. For example, maybe write a short narrative about a poor little personified gun that is having a crises of conscience because she is under suspicion from her friends that she is not bloody-thirsty enough, working in the points you've already got.

    You've got a great rough; just needs polish, Mr. Dickens.
    Last edited by Citizen; 10-22-2012 at 02:54 PM.
    I'll make you an offer: I will argue and fight for all of your rights, if you will do the same for me. That is the only way freedom can work. We have to respect all rights, all the time--and strive to win the rights of the other guy as much as for ourselves.

    If I am equal to another, how can I legitimately govern him without his express individual consent?

    There is no human being on earth I hate so much I would actually vote to inflict government upon him.

  10. #10
    Regular Member Freedom1Man's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Citizen View Post
    Its a great exercise in sarcasm. No, really.

    As others mentioned, its too long. The problem is not that it is too long by getting across too many points; the problem is that its too long for sarcasm. Sarcasm works great in small doses. Ready some of Mark Twains short stories and you will see what I mean.

    If you were to re-word that whole essay for a non-sarcastic point of view, it would be positively wonderous. For example, you could change it to fantasy or fairy tale, but continue to personify the gun. Or, if you are really creative, maybe you could turn it into 1940's film noir mystery, as in say Sam Spade and the Maltese Falcon, for example, tell a story as you investigate the gun for (just winging it here) the crime of not killing enough innocents or even not killing enough bad guys. You could even leave in a little bit of sarcasm if you did it right.

    If you want to keep the satirical angle, no problem. Just re-work it to take out most of the sarcasm. For example, maybe write a short narrative about a poor little personified gun that is having a crises of conscience because she is under suspicion from her friends that she is not bloody-thirsty enough, working in the points you've already got.

    You've got a great rough; just needs polish, Mr. Dickens.
    Thank you for the good feedback. I will put this into my word processor and make it a better satire. This was written straight into the forum box.
    Provision for free medical attendance and nursing, for clothing, for food, for housing, for the education of children, and a hundred other matters, might with equal propriety be proposed as tending to relieve the employee of mental strain and worry. --- These matters obviously lie outside the orbit of congressional power. (Railroad Retirement Board v Alton Railroad)

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