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Thread: Need some help: wife opposes me carrying

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    Regular Member DaveT319's Avatar
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    Need some help: wife opposes me carrying

    We were planning to go to Costco this evening. She gets home, and a minute later she says she'll be back in a little bit. Asked where she was going and she said "Costco". I said "I was willing to come with". She says "If you're going to carry that gun, I'm going to go by myself". "Are you sure you don't want me to come with?" I asked. "If you'll at least leave it in the car" she replies. "Cuz nothing could happen in the store, right?" There was more to the conversation/argument from there, but that's the gist of it.

    This isn't the first time it's come up. First, she had been very resistant to me even getting the gun. I finally saved up the money over several months to afford it rather than dumping a chunk all at once. Then she wanted to set rules about when it should be out or loaded. I accepted them. Then she showed opposition to me getting a concealed carry permit. I'd been telling her for years that I wanted to get one, and gave her my reasons. Then I decided to open carry until I get my permit, since it's perfectly legal here. The first couple times I wore it out, she didn't even notice. Then when she finally did, she started to grouse about it. And now we've gotten to the point where this evening's situation happened.

    So I'm trying to figure out how to handle this. I obviously don't want to completely piss my wife off, but I also feel strongly about my right to protect myself and those I care about, especially in today's age of random public mass shootings. She doesn't seem to understand that. I don't know if she thinks I'm trying to be some vigilante or something (which I'm not), but she seems to feel that my wanting to carry is irrational. She makes the point that we live in a safer city now, which we do (lived in Salinas, CA for years where gangs are terrible and crime is high; now live in Eugene, OR where crime is less and gangs are almost non-existent). I point out that the mall shooting a couple years back in Portland was a pretty safe place, not to mention Sandy Hook.

    I just don't know what to say. I've tried "I hope you'll trust me to be responsible with it", that "just because we've never been the victim of violent crime thus far doesn't mean we never will be", the tried-and-true "I'd rather have it and never need it than need it and not have it", that "crime happens everywhere, not just in bad areas". I can't tell her that I wouldn't go to someone else's aid if a shooting started but we were safe, because I AM the kind of person that would try to help others.

    How do you all think I should proceed?

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    Sorry, I cannot take her off your hands....

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    Regular Member Primus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DaveT319 View Post
    We were planning to go to Costco this evening. She gets home, and a minute later she says she'll be back in a little bit. Asked where she was going and she said "Costco". I said "I was willing to come with". She says "If you're going to carry that gun, I'm going to go by myself". "Are you sure you don't want me to come with?" I asked. "If you'll at least leave it in the car" she replies. "Cuz nothing could happen in the store, right?" There was more to the conversation/argument from there, but that's the gist of it.

    This isn't the first time it's come up. First, she had been very resistant to me even getting the gun. I finally saved up the money over several months to afford it rather than dumping a chunk all at once. Then she wanted to set rules about when it should be out or loaded. I accepted them. Then she showed opposition to me getting a concealed carry permit. I'd been telling her for years that I wanted to get one, and gave her my reasons. Then I decided to open carry until I get my permit, since it's perfectly legal here. The first couple times I wore it out, she didn't even notice. Then when she finally did, she started to grouse about it. And now we've gotten to the point where this evening's situation happened.

    So I'm trying to figure out how to handle this. I obviously don't want to completely piss my wife off, but I also feel strongly about my right to protect myself and those I care about, especially in today's age of random public mass shootings. She doesn't seem to understand that. I don't know if she thinks I'm trying to be some vigilante or something (which I'm not), but she seems to feel that my wanting to carry is irrational. She makes the point that we live in a safer city now, which we do (lived in Salinas, CA for years where gangs are terrible and crime is high; now live in Eugene, OR where crime is less and gangs are almost non-existent). I point out that the mall shooting a couple years back in Portland was a pretty safe place, not to mention Sandy Hook.

    I just don't know what to say. I've tried "I hope you'll trust me to be responsible with it", that "just because we've never been the victim of violent crime thus far doesn't mean we never will be", the tried-and-true "I'd rather have it and never need it than need it and not have it", that "crime happens everywhere, not just in bad areas". I can't tell her that I wouldn't go to someone else's aid if a shooting started but we were safe, because I AM the kind of person that would try to help others.

    How do you all think I should proceed?
    Have you taken her to the range? Show her you know how to handle to thing. Show her your safe with it and that its a tool like any other. Women are skeptical creatures by nature.

    My wife was also pretty skeptical and would ask "why are you bringing that to x place". I would do it anyways and have done so for long enough that now its "why aren't you bringing it?". I gave her the NRA basic pistol course and she understands guns more. She still hates guns in general only because she's so passive she can't wrap her head around the idea of hurting someone with it.

    Good luck and keep us posted.

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    Regular Member conandan's Avatar
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    That's a tricky situation. I think you should first talk to her and find out exactly what she thinks and how she feels about firearms. Find out if it is fear or if she just needs to be educated on firearms. Try to explain your feelings and why you choose to carry.

    Be patient and expect to take some time for her to come around to it, if she ever does.

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    Regular Member Rusty Young Man's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by davidmcbeth View Post
    Sorry, I cannot take her off your hands....
    Lol. That is funny. Not to offend the OP, but I'll join in with "you may have lost the natural selection game with your choice of wife". But I kid. The heart knows no reason (*bites tongue to not finish the sentence about the anti-gun "reasoning" in the OP*).

    To the OP: This is the best I can offer. Try "I don't think I could live with myself if a violent criminal took you from me." If you do it with puppy eyes and all, it should melt away her objections to you carrying.

    That, or have her watch this YouTube video about how Suzanna Hupp lost her parents on a nice and quiet morning, in a nice and quiet diner, in a nice and quiet "safe" neighborhood while her gun was in her car in the parking lot:
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1u0Byq5Qis
    Last edited by Rusty Young Man; 02-24-2014 at 09:47 PM. Reason: Added, clarification
    I carry to defend my loved ones; Desensitizing and educating are secondary & tertiary reasons. Anything else is unintended.

    “Life, liberty, and property do not exist because men have made laws. On the contrary, it was the fact that life, liberty, and property existed beforehand that caused men to make laws in the first place.” - Frederic Bastiat

    "When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle." - Edmund Burke

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    Then she wanted to set rules about when it should be out or loaded. I accepted them.
    I spotted the problem!

    Women, in general, are control freaks. You "gave in", which has now reinforced her behavior.

    Try to get her to honestly tell you why she has a problem with it. I guarantee none of her responses will be logical, but will be based completely on feelings.

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    Regular Member DaveT319's Avatar
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    Thanks for the replies so far.

    First, she knows I can shoot a gun. Back in '99 I graduated from a police academy. In the years following, I developed health issues that prevented me from pursuing that line of work. But I was definitely a capable shooter, and have kept in practice since then. I also took a concealed carry class last fall to be able to get my CHL, and was one of the top shooters in the class.

    Next, she has shot handguns before. She doesn't much like them though. I think part of it is because her sister had a mishap when she was younger and blew off part of a finger.

    I'll try having her watch the video.

    Finally, I've been trying to explain my position, but she thinks I'M the one being irrational. I've told her I want to have a full-on discussion about it soon, but I've not yet figured out how I'm going to convince her that there's nothing crazy about me wanting to protect us.

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    Activist Member golddigger14s's Avatar
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    Take it slowly, and do a lot of research of situations where you can show your wife that a gun saved a life. A good analogy is the seat belt, I don't plan on getting in a wreck, but I always wear a seat-belt and ensure all passengers do just in case. (I don't wear a seat belt because of the law, it is my choice on experience) Also do not OC in COSTCO, they are a gun free zone. (Please lets not derail this topic, and go off on the COSTCO subject)

    ETA: No, they don't have any signs. They will wait till you are half way done shopping before any employee notices, and will then tell you to put it in the car. Some stores don't enforce it though.
    Last edited by golddigger14s; 02-25-2014 at 01:20 AM.
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    Regular Member DaveT319's Avatar
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    Sorry, I have to take the tangent for a sec: Costco is gun-free? I looked the last time we went and I didn't see any signs to that effect. Maybe I just didn't look closely enough.

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    Regular Member Rusty Young Man's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DaveT319 View Post
    Sorry, I have to take the tangent for a sec: Costco is gun-free? I looked the last time we went and I didn't see any signs to that effect. Maybe I just didn't look closely enough.
    Correct about Cos... that wholesale store that must not be named.

    Here are some of the more pertinent links I had on hand (I'm making it a mission to inform people about that particular company's stance, and they can make the decision to continue or stop patronizing on their own):
    http://forum.opencarry.org/forums/sh...firearm-policy

    Another site:
    http://www.defensivecarry.com/forum/...ms-policy.html

    A response from corporate in 2006:
    http://jpfo.org/alerts/alert20061031.htm

    I'd recommend Sam's Club. Owned by the same people as Wal Mart, so they follow state law regarding firearms. I've personally OCed in two different Sam's here in AZ on more than eight different occasions (since I became a member of Sam's; their college membership).


    Addendum: How did the "I don't think I could live with myself if a violent criminal took you from me" speech go? If you think about it, not wanting to live with the regret of not being able to save one of our loved ones IS one of the most important reasons some of us carry. In my case, at least, I wouldn't want my parents to have to weep over an ornate box containing the bruised remains of their son.
    Last edited by Rusty Young Man; 02-24-2014 at 11:46 PM. Reason: Add.
    I carry to defend my loved ones; Desensitizing and educating are secondary & tertiary reasons. Anything else is unintended.

    “Life, liberty, and property do not exist because men have made laws. On the contrary, it was the fact that life, liberty, and property existed beforehand that caused men to make laws in the first place.” - Frederic Bastiat

    "When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle." - Edmund Burke

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    Regular Member DaveT319's Avatar
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    No Sam's Club here, so Costco is the only option for such a place. Though usually when I go there, I'm in our car so there is the ability to leave my gun there. But there are times when I go on my motorcycle (as I've brought up in another thread) and can't just leave it in my vehicle.

    Anyway, that one is settled. Now back to the main topic: I've brought up the wearing the seatbelt, as well as wearing a helmet since I ride. I've pointed out that we don't use them for the crash we expect to happen, but for the crash that could happen. So far, that hasn't seemed to have swayed her.

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    Just put this ad in your local paper & see if you end up with anything better than what you have now.

    clic on pic,,,
    Attachment 11307

    Really though, just show her some "Real Life Events", either here at OCDO or in the National News (Fox, Breitbart = Awr Hawkins,,,link;>> http://www.breitbart.com/Big-Governm...ake-It-Anymore, The Truth About Guns, etc.) about how Real Regular People at least Once a week get to live Another Day because *They* were ready to defend themselves &/or loved ones Because they made a conscious choice to *Arm* themselves, she's gotta know that the BG's out there will Not hesitate to use a weapon on you/her if you have what They want.

    Most important, be patient and supportive of her fears/concerns, it will change in due time.

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    Regular Member Maverick9's Avatar
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    If I was the OP's spouse, after reading his posts, I would not want him carrying a handgun either.

    1. He mentions he'd be OK with leaving it in the car. Unattended gun!?
    2. He mentions he'd insert himself into the situation to save someone else. Saving strangers!?

    I think the OP should be asking himself why he wants to carry, and to align his priorities. He should NOT be doing things he wouldn't do unarmed.

    FWIW.

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    Regular Member solus's Avatar
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    Personal Firearms/Guns In Costco Stores
    Costco Wholesale is a membership-only warehouse club. It is not open to the general public. It restricts membership to a limited group of qualified individuals who agree to membership conditions. We have the right and the obligation to our members, to enact and enforce membership rules. The Member Service Employees at the exit doors are obliged to follow these rules. By obtaining a Costco membership card, our members agree to comply with the Membership Rules and the Privileges and Conditions of membership.

    Costco does not believe that it is necessary for firearms to be brought into its warehouse stores, except in the case of authorized law enforcement officers. For the protection of all our members and employees, we feel this is a reasonable and prudent precaution to ensure a pleasant shopping experience and safe workplace. Our policy is meant to protect our members and employees in all warehouses around the world. This is not a new policy and we do not customize the policy for each individual city/county/state/country where we do business.

    Our primary goal at Costco Wholesale is to keep our members happy. If you believe that our policy restricting members from bringing firearms into our warehouse stores is either unfair or excessively burdensome, or you cannot agree to abide by this policy, or you are dissatisfied for any other reason, Costco will promptly refund your annual membership fee in full.

    https://ems02071lb.egain.net/system/...RTICLE_ID=2837

    guess your partner was protecting your Costco membership...eh?

    ipse
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    Regular Member solus's Avatar
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    that said, give your partner a NRA basic pistol class for a birthday, anniversary, or what the hell gift! then take the class with them and keep your mouth shut when they are shooting and let the instructor do the instructing.

    if she doesn't appreciate the course and still feels uncomfortable around your firearms...you have tried and then have the talk...stifle it edith!

    i liken it to trying to get your offspring to eating broccoli - you gotta try it once, then if you don't like it so be it, but you at least have to try it!

    ipse
    Last edited by solus; 02-25-2014 at 09:11 AM.
    I'm only human; I do what I can; I'm just a man; I do what I can; Don't put the blame on me; Don't put your blame on me ~ Rag'n'Bone Man.

    Please do not get confused between my personality & my attitude. My personality is who I am ~ my attitude depends on who you are and how you act.

    Remember always, do not judge someone because they sin differently than you do!

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    Regular Member Kopis's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DaveT319 View Post

    This isn't the first time it's come up. First, she had been very resistant to me even getting the gun. I finally saved up the money over several months to afford it rather than dumping a chunk all at once. Then she wanted to set rules about when it should be out or loaded. I accepted them. Then she showed opposition to me getting a concealed carry permit. I'd been telling her for years that I wanted to get one, and gave her my reasons. Then I decided to open carry until I get my permit, since it's perfectly legal here. The first couple times I wore it out, she didn't even notice. Then when she finally did, she started to grouse about it. And now we've gotten to the point where this evening's situation happened.
    Not trying to tell you how to live your life but here is where you went wrong. There is some good advice about taking her to range etc here but at the end of the day, the head of the household makes the final decision and it clearly isnt you.

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    Or how about just telling her: I'm carrying my gun...end of conversation. Don't like it..there's the door.

    This will settle the matter.

    But that's just me...Mr. Sensitive.
    Last edited by davidmcbeth; 02-25-2014 at 09:37 AM.

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    Regular Member solus's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by davidmcbeth View Post
    Or how about just telling her: I'm carrying my gun...end of conversation. Don't like it..there's the door.

    This will settle the matter.

    But that's just me...Mr. Sensitive.
    we have grown to appreciated that sensitive side of you...

    ipse
    Last edited by solus; 02-25-2014 at 09:48 AM.
    I'm only human; I do what I can; I'm just a man; I do what I can; Don't put the blame on me; Don't put your blame on me ~ Rag'n'Bone Man.

    Please do not get confused between my personality & my attitude. My personality is who I am ~ my attitude depends on who you are and how you act.

    Remember always, do not judge someone because they sin differently than you do!

    Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. Mark Twain

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    Regular Member Fuller Malarkey's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DaveT319 View Post
    No Sam's Club here, so Costco is the only option for such a place. Though usually when I go there, I'm in our car so there is the ability to leave my gun there. But there are times when I go on my motorcycle (as I've brought up in another thread) and can't just leave it in my vehicle.

    Anyway, that one is settled. Now back to the main topic: I've brought up the wearing the seatbelt, as well as wearing a helmet since I ride. I've pointed out that we don't use them for the crash we expect to happen, but for the crash that could happen. So far, that hasn't seemed to have swayed her.
    We're being asked to advise with limited information. Can you explain if the issue is the firearm being present, or is the issue you, present with a firearm?

    If the objections are about you being the one carting around a firearm rather than the simple existence of a firearm in her world, it would help if you'd clarify what fuels her misgivings and objections. You state she's not ignorant of the basics of firearms, so I can only suppose her objections are not that the firearm will jump up on it's own and shoot someone. It may be as simple that this woman is uncomfortable with you being in her presence, or being seen in public with you, carrying a firearm. There's history, and we don't know what that history is.
    Liberty is so strongly a part of human nature that it can be treated as a no-lose argument position.
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  20. #20
    Accomplished Advocate BB62's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Fuller Malarkey View Post
    ...I can only suppose her objections are not that the firearm will jump up on it's own and shoot someone...
    it's = it is
    its = possessive form of "it"

    [/English lesson]

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    Accomplished Advocate color of law's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by davidmcbeth View Post
    Or how about just telling her: I'm carrying my gun...end of conversation. Don't like it..there's the door.

    This will settle the matter.

    But that's just me...Mr. Sensitive.
    Now I know why there was something that bothered me about you.

    You are just to sensitive for my taste.

    Repealing the 19th Amendment would go a long way in resolving many of this countries many ills......

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    Accomplished Advocate color of law's Avatar
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    P/S I have a bug-out bag.......

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    Regular Member OC for ME's Avatar
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    DM hit the nail on the head.

    Go forth armed where legal to do so and she will get used to it. Discuss it no more, just do it. You arming yourself should be no different than you slapping that cell phone on your hip. Place the burden on her to decide, husband with gun, or no husband. The mere fact that you will go out armed is the only thing she needs to know, and no words are required for her to know.

    The key is to not engage in any confrontational conversations. Go forth armed and let her choose.

  24. #24
    Regular Member Rusty Young Man's Avatar
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    To the OP: here is an list I think may help.

    Psychiatrist examines anti-gun mentality (may explain your wife's stance):
    http://www.vcdl.org/new/raging.htm
    http://oldsite.vcdl.org/new/raging.htm

    Naive pacifism (though I now doubt she is a real pacifist, this may be applicable):
    http://www.learnaboutguns.com/2008/1...-to-life/#kant

    And here is one OCDO thread dealing with carry in places the antis usually say don't warrant carry (THANK Protias for keeping it fairly up to date):
    http://forum.opencarry.org/forums/sh...need-for-a-gun

    The advantage of the last one is the inclusion of links to news reports. Invaluable if you are trying to how someone that it isn't likely an Internet-perpetuated myth.
    I carry to defend my loved ones; Desensitizing and educating are secondary & tertiary reasons. Anything else is unintended.

    “Life, liberty, and property do not exist because men have made laws. On the contrary, it was the fact that life, liberty, and property existed beforehand that caused men to make laws in the first place.” - Frederic Bastiat

    "When bad men combine, the good must associate; else they will fall one by one, an unpitied sacrifice in a contemptible struggle." - Edmund Burke

  25. #25
    Regular Member wimwag's Avatar
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    Mine objected too. She bitched and complained that I was carrying and I ignored her. Only explained it once. 5 years later, only comments under her breath that she won't repeat.

    Differences between mine and yours will be vast, but mine had a stalker recently. He followed her in the parking lot, parked closer every day. Followed her home twice until he saw me OC while picking her up from work. Got his plates and a few pictures plus eliminated most the bitching about the gun.

    Maybe try just doing it. She'll get used to it eventually.

    Sent from my ZTE V768 using Tapatalk 2

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