imported post
I value my life and the lives of the people I care about enough to protect them from anyone that would harm them. For me it's that simple. I would hate myself and go through a very hard emotional time if I had to kill someone. I would never be able to let go of that, and it would haunt me until the day I died. I know this. But how you handle having to kill someone after the fact is irrelevant. It's how you handle it at the moment of truth, and I am confident that I would have no problem placing my life at a higher value than my attacker's. I've had to draw down on someone before. In fact, a few people. I'll do anything I can to not have to pull that trigger, but there is a very very thin line between whether or not I'm pulling that trigger, and if it's come to me pulling the gun, you are walking that thin line already. I would hate to have to shoot someone, but I would not hesitate again.
I've hesitated before in a moment-of-truth situation, where I should have shot someone. A young man wearing gang clothing came across the parking lot at the night club I was at and pointed a mac11 machine pistol at a crowd of about 30 people. I took cover behind a van, unnoticed, and drew my gun. I put the axel of the van between me and the gunman and aimed over the hood, still unnoticed. Behind me was an SUV full of people. In front of me were 15 yards and a very thin gangster. I had a Sig P220 in .45acp. The gangster had 5 friends 10 yardsbehind him with cars between me and them to provide them cover. I had 7+1 in new Speer Gold Dot ammo that I had just purchased as carry ammo and hadn't practiced with. I had 1 spare 7 round mag.
I started thinking about the shot and whether I could make it. It was 15 yards and Ihad never used this ammo before. Past the gunman was a busy street. I would have to get a headshot to take him down, because I don't want him emptying that pistol into the crowd. What if the headshot doesn't instantly drop him? How many people will be shot? What if I miss? What if he empties that 32 round mag in my direction, killing everyone in that SUV behind me? What if his friends are armed? Do I have enough rounds to engage in a fire fight? What if it's just an airsoft gun and he's just acting tough? Would I be able to live with myself knowing that I offed some teenage kid with an airsoft gun?
Every question in the world went through my mind at once. I froze and didn't know what to do. Through stressed and involuntary logic, I decided that the only way I could take the shot was if he started shooting first. I knew it was the wrong choice, but I never knew how much pressure that shot would be. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Sirens wailed in the distance. The gangster looked back at his friends, said something tough to the crowd and ran away. I was full of emotions. I was afraid of my new found impotence. The moment of truth had come, and I had failed at what I always thought would have been a no-brainer. I mean how much more Chuck Norris can it get? This was the ultimate action movie scene and there was no mistaking that the guy was a badguy. But I didn't do what Chuck Norris would have done. I didn't know how to feel. I was joyful that I didn't have to kill anyone, but I was horrified by the event. I tried to blame it on my firearm, and not being confident enough in it, but I knew inside that the only piece of my equipment that failed was me.
For years following, and even to this day, I have had dreams where I'm faced with having to shoot someone. I shoot aburglar who was trying to kill my family, only to have him not die until he's explained to me that I was misunderstanding what he was doing, and I was wrong to shoot him. All of a sudden the world is against me and I don't know whether I was right or wrong for shooting, even though it was so clear when it happened.
I trained more, and dealt with the feelings. I switched calibers and ammo and got more confident with my gun. I know that if the time comes when I have to face the moment of truth again I will have more confidence than I did the last time. But I still fear it more than anything. I am so afraid to kill another person, and I hope I never have to.
Fast forward a year from this event. I am at my apartment and my friend is being a little more careless with a firearm than he should. He doesn't know anything about gun safety because he has never shot a gun before. Long story short, we were stupid and I ended up being shot. I don't want to talk about that, so don't ask. Anyway, BANG!
The .25acp bullet enters near the center of my chest, between my left nipple and my sternum. It feels like I was punched in the chest. I look down at my navy blue tee shirt and see a little hole. I'm euphoric. I lift my shirt and see another hole. I touch it and look at the tip of my right middle finger. There is aquarter inchring of blood. Am I dreaming? Suddenly time slows down and all I can see is that ring. My chest isn't bleeding, just the ring of blood. A little red jagged circle. I snap out of it and realize that this has to be fixed. I feel no pain. I go out to the kitchen because there is more light. I remember hearing a story of a man who was shot 3 times in the face with a .25 and the bullets barely broke skin. I though that maybe I could cut the bullet out of me if it was close to the top. I felt the hole again. I felt a rib on either side of my finger and came to the most horrifying realization of my life: the bullet is inside of me. I looked at my roommate who looked at me as if he was looking at a ghost. I said "it went in". He didn't respond because he was frozen. I say "I'm going to faint" but no one comes to catch me. I say it again, and I fall. I hit my head on the entertainment center and everything goes black.
Suddenly, shooting pain! My lungs! I open my eyes to see paramedics and I have a plastic oxygen hand pump in my mouth. Every time it pumps air in, I feel a horrible pain from the bottom of my lungs. I would later find out that I had died and they had revived me. I also died in the ambulance on the way to the hospital. I felt so tired and all I could think about, besides howurgent it was that I go to sleep right that moment,was how I wasn't ready to die and that everything was happening so fast. I wasn't ready. The paramedics kept telling me to stay awake. The ambulance ride was actually really fast. I would have thought that it would havefelt likeit hadtaken forever, but it didn't. I remember seeing the florescent lights on the ceiling, just like in the movies. For some reason seeing that was both comforting and scary at the same time.
I got to the hospital and I was suddenly surrounded by doctors and surgeons. They put me in a hospital bed kind of thing and sat me up. They told me that they were going to put me under for surgery. I felt childish. I felt completely helpless and all I could think to say was "don't let me die" and "don't tell call my mom". She was in California for a training for her job and I didn't want her to worry. They put the mask on me to knock me out, and I was afraid. All this time I was supposed to not fall asleep and now they're putting me to sleep!
I wake up. It's still like the movies. Everything is blurry and slowly comes into focus. My mom is sitting next to me with my sister. I have tubes hooked to all of my arms and a big tube going down my throat. I couldn't talk and breathing was weird and painful. My sister handed me an blank book and a pen. I couldn't raise my arms, so I had to I couldn't see whatI was writing. I wrote "Mom, I got shot". She said she knew, and told me that the bullet had gone through my heart. I didn't believe her. That was impossible, the bullet went through my lung, I remember the pain. She reassured me. The bullet had gone through my heart, bounced off of my rib cage and lodged itself in my diaphragm, which is why it hurt to breathe. I looked down and there was a red line from the top of my sternum to the bottom of my abs. It was stapled shut and looked like it was from an old Frankenstein movie.
Recovery was the most painful part of all. It took a long time and it made me feel helpless. I have to stop writing because I'm having a really hard emotionaltime recalling all of these things. I'm telling you this story so that you can understand whyI am so afraid of having to shoot someone. I never want to make anyone go through this. Never. But I will, if it means protecting what matters to me. If anything, this event has taught me that there is only one thing worth using lethal force to protect, and that is human life. No property is worth causing that amount of physical and emotional pain. Not to me, at least.
So long story short, yes I could use lethal force if it was really really necessary, but I would have a really hard time dealing with it after the fact.