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Thread: satirist opinion piece about gun control?

  1. #1
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    St Helens, Oregon, USA

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    How to fight our gun-obsessed culture? Burn your copy of 'The Godfather' and push for a $20 tax on each bullet sold Updated: Wednesday, July 2, 2008 6:18 AM PDT
    Comments (123 comment(s)) It looks like the gun nuts got their way again. The U.S. Supreme Court, by a margin of one, held that the Constitution actually means what it says: " ... the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed."

    Think about it. If we lovers of peace had just one more liberal on the Court, we would have done away with the Second Amendment. That justice could have argued that this right only gives the army the freedom to carry guns. But hey, that's politics these days.
    This doesn't mean the struggle for sanity is finished. I, for one, will not rest until all of these weapons of woe are wrestled from the hands of our most innocent, law-abiding citizens. There are ways we can work against this ruling and stem the ever-increasing rates of violence found at gun shows, sportsman clubs and firing ranges. Here are just a few:

    1. Set the example: You can help by not buying guns. If you already have some, take them to the nearest authorized recycling center for firearm meltdown. Look for the sign that says: "The Making of a Prius Begins Here." There is a world shortage of steel and these centers will immediately send the resulting scrap to Japan. We need to build all the hybrids we can in order help fight global warming.

    2. Don't sell guns to street people: We all want to make a buck, but selling guns on the street is not only illegal, it's a bad idea. All of us have empathy and realize that the underprivileged cannot afford gun store prices. Many cannot pass the background check, as law enforcement is unfairly prejudicial toward convicted felons. You should only consider selling to crack addicts if they are trustworthy and promise to recycle as well.

    3. Control what your children learn: With careful parenting, we could change America's attitude toward guns in a generation. Make sure your kids see no firearm violence during their upbringing. Shows like "3:10 to Yuma" and "Scarface" are out. Of course, banning war movies are no-brainers. Burn you copies of "Godfather" and "Goodfellas." Only allow your offspring to view more wholesome shows such as "Beach Blanket Bingo" or "Sex in the City."

    4. Teach the evils of hunting: Our children need to understand that wild animals are here to prevent us from drilling for oil. They do not exist simply for our sadistic predatory amusement. Ban games such as, "pin the tail on the donkey" or "break the pinata," as these only stimulate children's animal hunting instincts.

    5. Call your local legislators: Encourage your local assemblyman or state senator to find ways around this dastardly decision. Some that come to mind are putting a $20 tax on each bullet, or requiring firearms sold in this state to only shoot blanks. After all, the Constitution simply says there is a right to bear arms. It doesn't say they have to work. They might also pursue a legal tactic and argue that the Bill of Rights does not apply in California.

    6. Finally, join the NRA: Yes, I know this is counterintuitive, but think of the possibilities here. Right now, the National Rifle Association has approximately 4 million members. That leaves 299 million Americans who have not yet joined. If everyone else became a member, imagine the influence we would have with this organization! We could outvote the pro-gun people and replace them with friendlier folks who prefer bows, knives or aluminum bats.

    So as you can see, a handful of justices do not have to stop us in our quest to create a more safe and sane society. A little creativity on our part can change the course of history. Let's do what we can to stop the madness.

    Just don't let anyone take MY six-shooter away.

    It's the only defense I have against those who could care less about gun laws.

    Steve Hansen is a Lodi writer and satirist.

  2. #2
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    Catasauqua, Pennsylvania, USA

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    Our children need to understand that wild animals are here to prevent us from drilling for oil.

  3. #3
    Campaign Veteran deepdiver's Avatar
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    Apr 2007
    Southeast, Missouri, USA

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    Nice! Thanks for posting it!
    Bob Owens @ Bearing Arms (paraphrased): "These people aren't against violence; they're very much in favor of violence. They're against armed resistance."

  4. #4
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    Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, USA

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    I'm sorry but as an avidblack powderand bow hunter. I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. Besides there is room for all God creatures, right next to the mashed potato's.
    AD1(AW) USN (ACT) 12/07/1997-10/02/2011
    TSgt USAFR 10/03/2011-?
    Owner-Bullbuster Taxidermy
    Kids who hunt and fish, don't steal and deal

  5. #5
    Regular Member MetalChris's Avatar
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    Jul 2007
    SW Ohio

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    Nice find Johnny!!

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