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Thread: Need Relationship Advice

  1. #1
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    So my girlfriend of nearly 3 years does not like the fact that I carry, I have done just about everything for her and am very supportive however she tells me that she doesn't like the Idea of being with someone who carries everywhere. When I ask her why, she says she doesn't know and that's just how she feels I ask her if she would be okay if I conceal carry around her (since I have a permit now) and she says it wouldn't matter. She also turns down the idea of me taking her shooting. I've only started carrying in the last year or so since I've turned 21 and it's not something I really want to give up on. If I'm going to dump her it's now or never as she opened our relationship while where in two different states and I'm feeling a little numb towards her right now.

    So my question is what do I do about this should I just be done with it or is it still worth convincing her?

    Also to note that she is alright with me owning guns it's carrying them that she has a beef with.

    Thanks for the help.

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    Regular Member TFred's Avatar
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    FunkTrooper wrote:
    So my girlfriend of nearly 3 years does not like the fact that I carry, I have done just about everything for her and am very supportive however she tells me that she doesn't like the Idea of being with someone who carries everywhere. When I ask her why, she says she doesn't know and that's just how she feels I ask her if she would be okay if I conceal carry around her (since I have a permit now) and she says it wouldn't matter. She also turns down the idea of me taking her shooting. I've only started carrying in the last year or so since I've turned 21 and it's not something I really want to give up on. If I'm going to dump her it's now or never as she opened our relationship while where in two different states and I'm feeling a little numb towards her right now.

    So my question is what do I do about this should I just be done with it or is it still worth convincing her?

    Also to note that she is alright with me owning guns it's carrying them that she has a beef with.

    Thanks for the help.
    You have to decide which is more important to you, carrying the gun, or keeping the girl.

    If the girl is more important, then stop carrying, and you're done.

    If carrying is more important to you, then you have to present her with the choice of what is more important to her, you, or dating someone who does not carry a gun.

    If she picks you, then you keep the girl and the gun. If she picks "no gun" then you keep the gun, but you lose the girl.

    The kicker here to me is her saying: "she doesn't know and that's just how she feels"

    You are making grown-up decisions here, you both need to be able to figure out why the things that matter to you matter. Communication is key, if you can't frankly discuss this sort of a thing, you probably have other issues to work on even more important.

    JMHO, and I am certainly no couples therapist... the advice given here is worth every penny you paid for it!

    TFred



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    I know what I'd do!! She would be on the market for the next taker!!

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    You're 21 yrs. old for god sake, Find yourself a real woman instead of a girl that wants to try her luck at manipulating her first man..

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    Campaign Veteran skidmark's Avatar
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    Is there any part of the fact that you carry related to how you feel about her? If so, you might try explaining what that is. If she still says she is "uncomfortable" withyou carryingyou can decide if that means she may not "like" it but accepts the reasoning.

    If she says she does not want you to carry at all, then you two have a very big values gap. History says there is a better chance of bridging the generation gap than this one.

    I recently went through the same scenario. Ended up telling her to call a cab to take her home. I stuck around to make sure she was safe till the cab arrived. Have not talked to her since, as she has not called since then. It probably is better to call it quits before going out on a date, but I did not know she was "uncomfortable" till after we had an "experience" with an urban entrepeneur coming out of a restaurant after dinner.

    My take was it was better to end it right then and there rather than attempt to "explain" and "discuss" the issue over an extended period. She thought it was "nice" that I cared enough to want to protect her, but thought that guns were not they way to do that. Problem was, she could not tell me what she thought a good way to do it was.

    Of course, I'm 3 times older than you, so dating has a different sense of urgency for me.

    stay safe.

    skidmark

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    Regular Member compmanio365's Avatar
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    Carnivore wrote:
    You're 21 yrs. old for god sake, Find yourself a real woman instead of a girl that wants to try her luck at manipulating her first man..
    +1.....if she's already manipulating you and trying to turn you to her way of thinking, then tell her to hit the road....no matter how much you may feel you love her, you will get over it and find another who is more in line with your beliefs. Otherwise you will have a long, bitter and hateful relationship, and your eventual breakup will be more volatile the longer you are together, and you have more to lose the longer you stay with her.

    Basically, tell her this is the one thing you are non-negotiable on; the gun stays, no matter what. You are doing this for her safety and yours, and you won't allow either of you to become a victim. If she still insists on you getting rid of your guns, tell her there's the door.

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    TFred wrote:
    SNIP You are making grown-up decisions here, you both need to be able to figure out why the things that matter to you matter. Communication is key, if you can't frankly discuss this sort of a thing, you probably have other issues to work on even more important.
    +1

    I would contributean idea that is often overlooked--the outside influence. Women talk. Probably many of her family and friends know you carry. Its not at all unreasonable to suspect one or more of her circle isspeakinganti-gun sentiment of one sort or another to her.

    Also, its really, really unlikely that she can't tell you why she is uncomfortable. I would propose gently digging further for her real objection. We're not talking neurological explanation here. She has some objection. "I'm afraid of guns." "I think it is silly to carry a gun." You won't get anywhere until you get the real objection out of her.

    It might be a little complex. "I'm afraid of guns," might have to be dug deeper until you find out it was her third grade teacher that told her guns are dangerous.

    But, you'll need to get to the bottom of it, I think. Once you get the real objection, then you can work on why self-defense is so important, why you believe in helping unstigmatize being able to defend oneself, and so forth.

    I'll make you an offer: I will argue and fight for all of your rights, if you will do the same for me. That is the only way freedom can work. We have to respect all rights, all the time--and strive to win the rights of the other guy as much as for ourselves.

    If I am equal to another, how can I legitimately govern him without his express individual consent?

    There is no human being on earth I hate so much I would actually vote to inflict government upon him.

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    Campaign Veteran GlockMeisterG21's Avatar
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    I would just try and reason with her. If she can't tell you why she doesn't like it then she's lying or is falling back on our societies anti-gun viewpoint. If she can't be reasoned with on this then she may not be reasonable with many other things down the line. If she can't respect your choice now then what do you think will happen a few years later? I'm not sure I could be with someone who doesn't, at the very least, respect that it's my choice to make and not hers.
    “The 1911 pistol remains the service pistol of choice in the eyes of those who understand the problem. Back when we audited the FBI academy in 1947, I was told that I ought not to use my pistol in their training program because it was not fair. Maybe the first thing one should demand of his sidearm is that it be unfair.” — Col. Jeff Cooper, GUNS & AMMO, January 2002

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    Thanks for all the advice , to Tfred I'm aware I'm making "grown-up" decisions I've making them for awhile now I just thought it would be a good idea to ask the opinion of those who have much more experience than I.

    I guess the scary thing is that I would do almost anything for this girl including throwing away my right to carry, I just don't know if giving up on defending myself for a girl is a good thing or not.

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    FunkTrooper wrote:
    SNIPI just don't know if giving up on defending myself for a girl is a good thing or not.
    Not.

    Step back. Take a deep breath or ten. Go for a walk to get centered. Then think.
    I'll make you an offer: I will argue and fight for all of your rights, if you will do the same for me. That is the only way freedom can work. We have to respect all rights, all the time--and strive to win the rights of the other guy as much as for ourselves.

    If I am equal to another, how can I legitimately govern him without his express individual consent?

    There is no human being on earth I hate so much I would actually vote to inflict government upon him.

  11. #11
    Regular Member TFred's Avatar
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    FunkTrooper wrote:
    Thanks for all the advice , to Tfred I'm aware I'm making "grown-up" decisions I've making them for awhile now I just thought it would be a good idea to ask the opinion of those who have much more experience than I.

    I guess the scary thing is that I would do almost anything for this girl including throwing away my right to carry, I just don't know if giving up on defending myself for a girl is a good thing or not.
    I didn't in any way mean to imply that you were being immature... I just meant to say that in an adult relationship, you need to be able to have conversations that allow you to fully evaluate differences like these. As others have noted, this is foundational stuff, in some ways even more basic than religion. If you can't get this settled to your mutual satisfaction, a "house" built on that foundation will not likely stand long.

    TFred


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    FunkTrooper wrote:
    I guess the scary thing is that I would do almost anything for this girl including throwing away my right to carry, I just don't know if giving up on defending myself for a girl is a good thing or not.
    You're not just giving up on defending yourself, but her as well.
    “The 1911 pistol remains the service pistol of choice in the eyes of those who understand the problem. Back when we audited the FBI academy in 1947, I was told that I ought not to use my pistol in their training program because it was not fair. Maybe the first thing one should demand of his sidearm is that it be unfair.” — Col. Jeff Cooper, GUNS & AMMO, January 2002

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    GlockMeisterG21 wrote:
    FunkTrooper wrote:
    I guess the scary thing is that I would do almost anything for this girl including throwing away my right to carry, I just don't know if giving up on defending myself for a girl is a good thing or not.
    You're not just giving up on defending yourself, but her as well.
    +1
    I'll make you an offer: I will argue and fight for all of your rights, if you will do the same for me. That is the only way freedom can work. We have to respect all rights, all the time--and strive to win the rights of the other guy as much as for ourselves.

    If I am equal to another, how can I legitimately govern him without his express individual consent?

    There is no human being on earth I hate so much I would actually vote to inflict government upon him.

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    Regular Member MSC 45ACP's Avatar
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    My wife said if I didn't stop OCing, she was going toleave.
    I'm sure gonna miss her...

    On a positive note, the posted advice you've already gotten is pretty goodfor the most part. You can try to educate her and reason with her. Do some research and show her how many incidents where an OCer has saved lives or protected someone from getting hurt. Do a Google search on "Library Shooting", "Church Shooting" and "Grocery Store Shooting" to show her that BG's do bad stuff everywhere and you are just interested in protecting yourself and those around you from bad guys doing bad things.

    If she's still against it, just say "BAAAAAAAAAAAA" (using your best sheep imitation) and tell her to have a nice life!

    ^ Mike
    "If I know that I am headed for a fight, I want something larger with more power, preferably crew-served.
    However, like most of us, as I go through my daily life, I carry something a bit more compact, with a lot less power."
    (unknown 'gun~writer')

    Remington 1911 R1 (Back to Basics)
    SERPA retention or concealed...

    "Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not." ~Thomas Jefferson
    (Borrowed from "The Perfect Day" by LTC Dave Grossman)

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    Citizen wrote:
    FunkTrooper wrote:
    SNIPI just don't know if giving up on defending myself for a girl is a good thing or not.
    Not.

    Step back. Take a deep breath or ten. Go for a walk to get centered. Then think.
    No your definitely right I guess I'll have to wait and see how to handle things when I see her on the 4th. Hopefully I'll be able to find out why she doesn't want me to carry. Carrying my weapon has saved me more than once and yet she still wont see reason.

  16. #16
    Regular Member MSC 45ACP's Avatar
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    BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA said the sheep...

    Continue OCing and being the best Sheepdog you can be.
    "If I know that I am headed for a fight, I want something larger with more power, preferably crew-served.
    However, like most of us, as I go through my daily life, I carry something a bit more compact, with a lot less power."
    (unknown 'gun~writer')

    Remington 1911 R1 (Back to Basics)
    SERPA retention or concealed...

    "Those who hammer their guns into plows will plow for those who do not." ~Thomas Jefferson
    (Borrowed from "The Perfect Day" by LTC Dave Grossman)

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    RUN.NOW! Ain't Worth it. Bye Bye Honey.....but BYE!



    Hasta La Vista!

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    +1000 with Carnivore. You're young and have your whole life in front of you. There's plenty of time to be manipulated by the opposite gender, so don't start now. Enjoy yourself while you can.

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    I have been married for over 20 years to a woman I met in my late twenties.

    If I think about 'what if' I would have married the girl I was dating when I was 21, I don't know if it would have lasted more than several years.

    You are young, and have many, many decades of your young life ahead of you. Do not be surprised if you actually feel stronger and more fit in your 30s, 40s and even 50s than you do now - I know I do.

    Why waste such a limitless future on someone who wants to manipulate you now?

    A brief anecdote: My wife is by no means 'pro gun.' During college she volunteered as an EMT for an inner city ambulance service, and saw many gun shot wounds. It kind of soured her on guns.

    She has never raised an objection to my carrying, even when I OC (in New York it's usually only in hunting areas).

    However she knows I carry 24/7 except to work (I never carry to work). She knows that I am here to defend her and the kids and she accepts that without a doubt and never raises any objection whatsoever.

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    Also.... firarms have an obvious legal implication - I broke up with the girl I was dating at 21 partially over the fact that I was now able to get a pistol license and carry. And she did not likethat at all. I wanted to avoid any mixing of romance and second amendment rights.

    I was successful at maintaining that separation because I ran like hell from her.

    - to put it bluntly; don't trust a woman who hates guns not to get you involved in a relationship dispute and then brand you as a violent person, thereby possibly damaging your RKBA.

    I thank the Lord every day for finding a woman who accepts me for who I am.

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    My wife (seven years in DEC) has roughly the same attitude of your girlfriend.

    However, I would call my wife gun nuetral. She doesn't really care I have them, but she doesn't like the cost so much money. Also, through conversations I learned that she was uncomfortable with what people would think when they saw the gun. Then I asked if it would bother her if I concealed (can't yet but permit is en route). She said no. Why? Because people wouldn't know. She cared what they think.

    I've just taken the plunge of handling guns, on a more regular basis,in the past 10 mo. Last Saturday, I offered to do the errands so I could open carry.

    When it came time to go, she wanted to get out of the house. I reminded her that I was going to carry the gun. She nodded, and we took the 7 week old with us to Target and the grocery store.

    She got annoyed once, but I reminded her that I told her I was going to carry and that was the end of it.

    All that to say, put the choice in your girlfriend's hands. Draw your line. Some things are not for negotiation.

    Without psycobabbling too much, this is just a test of wills and a foreshadowing of how difficult (read uncomfortable) decisions will be made in the future.

    It's not about being right, its about what IS right. Calmly discuss your reasons andmake yours choice. Then make her choose.

    FYI I turn 30 in Oct, so we are not to far apart in age. I was married at 23.

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    I didn't buy a handgun until I had been married for about 13 years. My wife couldn't stand my carrying. I finally had to tell her I was going to carry to protect myself and her and our 2 kids and she needed to become accustomed to that fact.

    There were many other issues, unfortunately. We're divorced now.

    When I started dating again, I made my views on gun ownership and other core value issues (politics, religion, abortion, etc.) VERY clear VERY early in the relationship. I didn't want to waste time with somebody who had a worldview radically different from my own, no matter how hot she was. Already made that mistake, wasn't going to do it again. I married a fine woman who has no problem with my carrying, either openly or concealed. She's quite happy to have somebody to look out for her.

    Bottom line: NEVER compromise on core value issues. Which way the toilet paper comes off the roll doesn't matter. Go ahead and learn to put the toilet seat down. Not important. Protecting yourself and loved ones from harm is VERY important. Don't forget that.

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    Citizen wrote:
    GlockMeisterG21 wrote:
    FunkTrooper wrote:
    I guess the scary thing is that I would do almost anything for this girl including throwing away my right to carry, I just don't know if giving up on defending myself for a girl is a good thing or not.
    You're not just giving up on defending yourself, but her as well.
    +1
    I OC just about every day - cannot do so at job, but even before the leash goes on the dog for evening walk, the SIG is strapped on first....

    What does that have to do with OP - "you're not just giving up on defending yourself, but her as well..." You are also "giving up on defending EVERYONE else around you..."

    Not going to put out the sheep/sheepdog analogy, but when responsible gun owners carry (OC or CC) they are taking on a responsibility to protect not only ourselves but those around who may need protecting.

    My wife does not like guns - they scare her; but prior to any purchase, I made her come to the range with me, small steps to get her more and more comfortable (at her own pace) to being around the "pops." I understand and respect her concerns - but place those in the compartment of responsibility. Wife has NO issue with me OC'g or CC'g when with her - because she has seen my levels of responsibility - both with and without a gun.

    I'd agree with many of the posters here... talk it out if possible, find out why she has an issue with the gun; and be understanding - this is a prime opportunity for you to pass along the education that someone took the time to impart upon you. It is even an opportunity for you BOTH to take newbie/refresher classes together, so that you "grow" in the relationship learning as a couple.

    Best of luck....

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    markand wrote:
    <snip>When I started dating again, I made my views on gun ownership and other core value issues (politics, religion, abortion, etc.) VERY clear VERY early in the relationship. I didn't want to waste time with somebody who had a worldview radically different from my own, no matter how hot she was. Already made that mistake, wasn't going to do it again. I married a fine woman who has no problem with my carrying, either openly or concealed. She's quite happy to have somebody to look out for her. <snip>
    Good call. That (bold) is the bottom line of this dicussion.

    We all know guns are an emotional issue, but the disagreement here is not merely, gun or anti gun, its values at their core.

    "A wife of noble character who can find?She is worth far more than rubies."

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    Why does this have to be some mutually exclusive "the gun or me" proposition? She doesn't like you carrying - fine. I don't like waiting on a woman gawking at stuff in a store for 2 hours at a time, but I don't issue ultimata about everything I dislike. My gf is not a gun person and thinks I'm a (harmless) nutcase, but she tolerates me. If yours can't make that leap, you're not missing much if she leaves over it.

    -ljp

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