Help with Angry wife???

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rickomatic wrote:

Seriously, I'd remove the firearm from the equation and have a serious sit down about the quality of your marriage. Go to the self-help section of the library and grab some books on communication first.

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+1 on that. The only thing I'd add is that once the "D" card is played, it might be a little too late for self help. I agree that there are more than likely other underlying issues and it might be time for professional help. We in the firearms community tend to be pretty self reliant, but we need to be wise as well. We're not talking about comparing the merits of a 9mm to a .45. We're talking about real life issues with real consequences. Contact your local public mental health department. They can probably give you some suggestions on where to find some professional help that will fit your budget. Best of luck to both of you, for the sake of your family.

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I would be very careful about checking with the local mental health people. Port orchard PD checks with them and will not grant a CPL if there is any questionable report. It might backfire.

Rent Red Dawn and watcg it tigether..Do no discuss the movie before or during but DO discuss it afterwards. Just a quick idea if you have not seen it.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_I4WgBfETc

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BigDave wrote:

Task Force 16 wrote:

swatspyder wrote:

I don't think it has been said. But before you go to your wife and have a sit down talk, go to your daughter.

I believe you said she was 15 years old. If that is the case, she would be very knowledgeable about you and your wife's relationship.

Kids can see things that you or your wife have missed with communicating or during arguments. Ask your daughter to sit down and find out what she thinks are problems. Or what she has seen in general.

I would be willing to bet you will be :what: after talking with her.

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Excellant idea!!!

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Bad Bad Idea unless you really want to screw up your daughter. Leave the kids out of it as they will see themselves as their fault or their responsibility to be mediator it is a loose loose situation.
Once your actions to involve them into adult problems no matter how you tell them it is not their fault they are already in the middle of it, leave the kids out of it.

Seek Professional help if you are going to pursue anything.

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Um, you are one siding your answer from your perspective as an adult.

I have been in the situation where my parents would argue and I would stay out of it. I would not talk to my parents about what was going on because I was shy and afraid of what would happen to myself if I got in the middle.

I finally blew up at my dad and had one night where my whole family just exploded in frustration and anger and we had a whole night of arguing where I finally got so frustrated with my dad's lack of understanding, I punched a solid wood door and broke a bone in my hand.

Since that night, including the time at the hospital where they set my bone back in place, my dad is more understanding and listens to what I have to say. My mom too, but she wasn't as bad as my dad with listening to what I had to say.

Yelling divorce and arguments happened a lot while I was growing up. It is all emotional drama.

Edit to say, I wish my parent's had come to me to ask what I saw. It would have helped minimize all of the arguing that went on.

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swatspyder wrote:

BigDave wrote:

Task Force 16 wrote:

swatspyder wrote:

I don't think it has been said. But before you go to your wife and have a sit down talk, go to your daughter.

I believe you said she was 15 years old. If that is the case, she would be very knowledgeable about you and your wife's relationship.

Kids can see things that you or your wife have missed with communicating or during arguments. Ask your daughter to sit down and find out what she thinks are problems. Or what she has seen in general.

I would be willing to bet you will be :what: after talking with her.

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Excellant idea!!!

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Bad Bad Idea unless you really want to screw up your daughter. Leave the kids out of it as they will see themselves as their fault or their responsibility to be mediator it is a loose loose situation.
Once your actions to involve them into adult problems no matter how you tell them it is not their fault they are already in the middle of it, leave the kids out of it.

Seek Professional help if you are going to pursue anything.

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Um, you are one siding your answer from your perspective as an adult.

I have been in the situation where my parents would argue and I would stay out of it. I would not talk to my parents about what was going on because I was shy and afraid of what would happen to myself if I got in the middle.

I finally blew up at my dad and had one night where my whole family just exploded in frustration and anger and we had a whole night of arguing where I finally got so frustrated with my dad's lack of understanding, I punched a solid wood door and broke a bone in my hand.

Since that night, including the time at the hospital where they set my bone back in place, my dad is more understanding and listens to what I have to say. My mom too, but she wasn't as bad as my dad with listening to what I had to say.

Yelling divorce and arguments happened a lot while I was growing up. It is all emotional drama.

Edit to say, I wish my parent's had come to me to ask what I saw. It would have helped minimize all of the arguing that went on.

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+1 Spyder and professionals aren't always unbiased or very professional. As long as you make it absolutely clear to your daughter that you want to know how you can better yourself and in no way indicate it as an attack or demonizing your wife or her mother in anyway.

Kids are not the place to complain about their parent but are great on giving insight on how they see things. (out of the mouth's of babes) Especially from someone as old as your daughter it could end up bringing the whole family together.

Don't listen to those guys who say CC gives you tactical advantage there is no proof of this. Carry how you feel comfortable carrying (and consider your partners feeling too)

I suggest the 20/20 John Stossel on gun control, very good statistics, many from anti's viewpoints and a woman who had very anti views changed her thinking. She still didn't want them but accepted that most of what she knew wasn't true and was willing to accept why others would want them.

Also more light hearted and fun to watch Penn and Teller's show on gun control. Just be forewarned they are really foul mouthed and never politically correct.

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swatspyder, I am going to have to go against you on this one.

I was there before, and I absolutely wanted nothing to do with their issues. In fact, I am the one yelling STOP BRINGING ME OR MY LITTLE BROTHER INTO THIS, STOP IT. My little brother is now 7. And he has to hear my parents bull shit and gets stuck in the middle. My parents knew what the issue was, but it was the fact they were so stubborn that nothing got solved. Until something bad happened, then they might learn. Notice I said "might".

However OP, if you do choose to talk to your daughter, LET HER KNOW RIGHT THERE, you are asking for OBSERVATIONS. NOTHING ELSE, just OBSERVATIONS. Tell her you just want to know what she sees, and nothing else. Don't discuss, don't argue, just listen and write down what she says and look at it later without her there.

The teenage years are crappy enough with its own problems, don't introduce your problems also.

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Update:

My wife actually brought up buying another firearm. She knows I want a .45 to go w/ my 9mm. I used that opportunity as an ice breaker and started to ask her about some sketchy situations that have happened to her and how she would have felt if she had a firearm to protect herself and our kids. She did some self examination at that point and told me that she isn't ready to kill someone if she needed to. If our kids were threatened she said she could do it in a heartbeat. I then asked her if the situation required that she run with the kids would they be able to keep up( love that poster swat). She said "no". I saw the the change of thinking begin to crumble. A chip in her armor has been exposed. I left her to think about that for a while. I say this about her with all due respect, She is PMSing bad right now. So a little at a time.

As for the divorce threat...shes using that to emphasize her point. I felt no threat from this as shes done this for years. It is a bluff. But it does show me how serious she is. We both love each other very much and have been thru hell in out marriage and know theres not much that would destroy it.

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swatspyder and SVG you both must be very young and cannot see the larger picture and feel you can solve everything and in reality you nor anyone else can solve everything.

These are adult issues and even though in many cases the adults act so immature they drag the kids into it and start using them as weapons againist the other and then who wins, no one the and kids loose.

One of the better suggestions I have seen is for him to sit down write down what occur and try to evaluate the conflict as what it really was.

It is his choice as he will have to walk in his own shoes and live with the results while no one else here as a vested interest or to reap the consequences of their statements.

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Nathan9493 wrote:

Update:

My wife actually brought up buying another firearm. She knows I want a .45 to go w/ my 9mm. I used that opportunity as an ice breaker and started to ask her about some sketchy situations that have happened to her and how she would have felt if she had a firearm to protect herself and our kids. She did some self examination at that point and told me that she isn't ready to kill someone if she needed to. If our kids were threatened she said she could do it in a heartbeat. I then asked her if the situation required that she run with the kids would they be able to keep up( love that poster swat). She said "no". I saw the the change of thinking begin to crumble. A chip in her armor has been exposed. I left her to think about that for a while. I say this about her with all due respect, She is PMSing bad right now. So a little at a time.

As for the divorce threat...shes using that to emphasize her point. I felt no threat from this as shes done this for years. It is a bluff. But it does show me how serious she is. We both love each other very much and have been thru hell in out marriage and know theres not much that would destroy it.

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Sounds like you have your situation well under control and moving along.

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BigDave wrote:

swatspyder and SVG you both must be very young and cannot see the larger picture and feel you can solve everything and in reality you nor anyone else can solve everything.

These are adult issues and even though in many cases the adults act so immature they drag the kids into it and start using them as weapons againist the other and then who wins, no one the and kids loose.

One of the better suggestions I have seen is for him to sit down write down what occur and try to evaluate the conflict as what it really was.

It is his choice as he will have to walk in his own shoes and live with the results while no one else here as a vested interest or to reap the consequences of their statements.

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Im not asking him to bring his daughter into the middle of the arguments. I am asking him to talk to his daughter and see what she observes going on. There is a very big difference, and that is what I was saying he should do.

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Nathan9493 wrote:

Update:

My wife actually brought up buying another firearm. She knows I want a .45 to go w/ my 9mm. I used that opportunity as an ice breaker and started to ask her about some sketchy situations that have happened to her and how she would have felt if she had a firearm to protect herself and our kids. She did some self examination at that point and told me that she isn't ready to kill someone if she needed to. If our kids were threatened she said she could do it in a heartbeat. I then asked her if the situation required that she run with the kids would they be able to keep up( love that poster swat). She said "no". I saw the the change of thinking begin to crumble. A chip in her armor has been exposed. I left her to think about that for a while. I say this about her with all due respect, She is PMSing bad right now. So a little at a time.

As for the divorce threat...shes using that to emphasize her point. I felt no threat from this as shes done this for years. It is a bluff. But it does show me how serious she is. We both love each other very much and have been thru hell in out marriage and know theres not much that would destroy it.

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Responding to the bold.

Is anyone rrreeeeeaally ready to kill if the have to???? I don't know that anyone here really wants to be tested for that. Some already have in some way (military combat, former LEO, past encounter with a BG). The rest of us simply have to prepare ourselves mentally the best we can, for if and when the time comes.

Tell your wife that in most incidences of self defense, where a firearm is used, pulling the trigger is not necessary.

You might also want to go to this site and download GunFacts. All of you read it.

http://www.gunfacts.info/

There's also that video I linked to earlier. You and your wife and daughter should set down together and watch it.

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sounds like you have it under control this time but the problem of her forcing her will unto you and using the threat of divorce are huge red flags of a control freak. the guns stuff is just secondary. the counseling is a good idea. a healthy relationship is not one where one person tells the other what to do or gives ultimatums. that's a parent/child relationship. i've been through plenty of those. now, if i get serious with a lady, i have a sit down and explain to her how i handle relationships. it's easy. you do what you want. i do what i want. as long as what one is doing doesn't negatively effect the other, you don't get to tell them to stop. if there are concerns, we discuss them and come to a solution. sometimes i/she changes something for the other, and sometimes we don't. but there are still no ultimatums given and no orders given. if she doesn't agree with my methods, we progress the relationship no further.

the quickest way to get me to do something is order me not to or threaten me with X if i do.

compromise is necessary in a relationship but i refuse to live with someone that thinks they can control me. ain't gonna happen ever again.

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swatspyder wrote:

BigDave wrote:

swatspyder and SVG you both must be very young and cannot see the larger picture and feel you can solve everything and in reality you nor anyone else can solve everything.

These are adult issues and even though in many cases the adults act so immature they drag the kids into it and start using them as weapons againist the other and then who wins, no one the and kids loose.

One of the better suggestions I have seen is for him to sit down write down what occur and try to evaluate the conflict as what it really was.

It is his choice as he will have to walk in his own shoes and live with the results while no one else here as a vested interest or to reap the consequences of their statements.

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Im not asking him to bring his daughter into the middle of the arguments. I am asking him to talk to his daughter and see what she observes going on. There is a very big difference, and that is what I was saying he should do.

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I think what swatspyder is suggesting is that you get your daughters perspective as to both her parents behaviors and what she thinks both of you should do to improve the relationship between you.

Maybe even have a situation where you and your wife set and get scolded/lectured by the daughter, sort of a role reversal.

The daughter has a stake in this marriage, and what ever happens is going to affect her. If her input can help improve things at home, she shouldn't be left out of the problem solving in the family.

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BigDave wrote:

swatspyder and SVG you both must be very young and cannot see the larger picture and feel you can solve everything and in reality you nor anyone else can solve everything.

These are adult issues and even though in many cases the adults act so immature they drag the kids into it and start using them as weapons againist the other and then who wins, no one the and kids loose.

One of the better suggestions I have seen is for him to sit down write down what occur and try to evaluate the conflict as what it really was.

It is his choice as he will have to walk in his own shoes and live with the results while no one else here as a vested interest or to reap the consequences of their statements.

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Dave get off your high horse. And stop the Ad hominem attacks. I suppose you do know it all? So your knowledge is so much superior to all others. Did you take a parenting class too? You know nothing about me so stop making an ass out of yourself and making assumptions.

You continually to do this in thread after thread, when you obviously didn't even read my post and get what I was saying. If you have something specific I said you disagree with it cite it, and prove it wrong. This is a public forum he asked for advice I gave what I think is a sensible approach. Especially since his daughter already made some sort of statement she thought her mother was being unreasonable.

A family is a unit, and there should be open but frank discussions between parents and kids especially as they are older. One reason why I think many ethnic families get along better everybody talks to each other, our western style of hiding everything from the kids just don't exist. In many cultures.

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HankT wrote:

Nathan9493 wrote:

911Boss wrote:

So why exactly does she think you are more likely to be killed carrying a gun than not? ...

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We( wife and I) used to be of the belief that if you carry a gun, your looking for trouble. I have since changed my views a while back when a police chase ended in my yard, and the BG acted like he was going right thru me in to my house. Fortunatly he didn't. That's what prompted the gun purchase.

As for how I act. I used to be confrontational but have stopped that all together as I got older. And your right, I can side with her on the OC. I've taken classes that have showed me its tactically not a good idea, but I DON'T fault any for doing so. I can also side with her on my weapon being taken from me, being used on me or my children, BUT, she won't consider that they could still kill us when I'm not CCing.

She won't listen to anything. She has a bad temper. ANY discussion would end up with her losing it. I'm hoping some might find a more passive way to convince her. Thanks so much for your advice. I hope you'll give me more, when you have it.

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How long were you "confrontational?"  How were you "confrontational?"

How long since you stopped being "confrontational?"

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Hankt

I was raised to be peaceable at all cost, to a fault as you could imagine. After some counseling I swung the other direction. It lasted for about a year. I went after a guy one time verbally at Wal-mart about 5-6 yrs back for throwing a cigarette butt on the ground ( a HUGE pet-peeve of mine)when there was ashtray 2' away from him. He turned around and we had a rough conversation right in the lobby. I got myself in over my head and backed down. I've NEVER done that since. LESSON LEARNED!! I've never got into fights, never any road rage. But I've had instances where people have followed me into parking lots for supposedly cutting them off. I never drive that way on purpose. Enough said?

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Nathan9493 wrote:

HankT wrote:

Nathan9493 wrote:

911Boss wrote:

So why exactly does she think you are more likely to be killed carrying a gun than not? ...

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We( wife and I) used to be of the belief that if you carry a gun, your looking for trouble. I have since changed my views a while back when a police chase ended in my yard, and the BG acted like he was going right thru me in to my house. Fortunatly he didn't. That's what prompted the gun purchase.

As for how I act. I used to be confrontational but have stopped that all together as I got older. And your right, I can side with her on the OC. I've taken classes that have showed me its tactically not a good idea, but I DON'T fault any for doing so. I can also side with her on my weapon being taken from me, being used on me or my children, BUT, she won'tconsider that they could still kill us when I'm not CCing.

She won't listen to anything. She has a bad temper. ANY discussion would end up with her losing it. I'm hoping some might find a more passive way to convince her. Thanks so much for your advice. I hope you'll give me more, when you have it.

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How long were you "confrontational?" How were you "confrontational?"

How long since you stopped being "confrontational?"

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Hankt

I was raised to be peaceable at all cost, to a fault as you could imagine. After some counseling I swung the other direction. It lasted for about a year. I went after a guy one time verbally at Wal-mart about 5-6 yrs back for throwing a cigarette butt on the ground ( a HUGE pet-peeve of mine)when there was ashtray 2' away from him. He turned around and we had a rough conversation right in the lobby. I got myself in over my head and backed down. I've NEVER done that since. LESSON LEARNED!! I've never got into fights, never any road rage. But I've had instances where people have followed me into parking lots for supposedly cutting them off. I never drive that way on purpose. Enough said?

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Good for you in learning a lesson. The suggestion is that whatever your level of confrontation-proneness you had, it was your wife that brought it up and made an issue of it. The reason that is important is that she probably knows you better than anyone--including yourself.

Best of luck to you, N9493.

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I'd let her divorce me. I'd carry anyways.

I know a guy who bought one of the new 2010 Camaros. He traded in his truck. He went home and his wife packed up her stuff and took the kids and said if you want us back you'll take the car back.

He took the car back.

Now she'll always have him by the balls.

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sudden valley gunner wrote:

BigDave wrote:

swatspyder and SVG you both must be very young and cannot see the larger picture and feel you can solve everything and in reality you nor anyone else can solve everything.

These are adult issues and even though in many cases the adults act so immature they drag the kids into it and start using them as weapons againist the other and then who wins, no one the and kids loose.

One of the better suggestions I have seen is for him to sit down write down what occur and try to evaluate the conflict as what it really was.

It is his choice as he will have to walk in his own shoes and live with the results while no one else here as a vested interest or to reap the consequences of their statements.

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Dave get off your high horse. And stop the Ad hominem attacks. I suppose you do know it all? So your knowledge is so much superior to all others. Did you take a parenting class too? You know nothing about me so stop making an ass out of yourself and making assumptions.

You continually to do this in thread after thread, when you obviously didn't even read my post and get what I was saying. If you have something specific I said you disagree with it cite it, and prove it wrong. This is a public forum he asked for advice I gave what I think is a sensible approach. Especially since his daughter already made some sort of statement she thought her mother was being unreasonable.

A family is a unit, and there should be open but frank discussions between parents and kids especially as they are older. One reason why I think many ethnic families get along better everybody talks to each other, our western style of hiding everything from the kids just don't exist. In many cultures.

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Stop your whinning and have your moma wipe your nose and change your diaper, you will feel better.

Oh and send your wife to the store to by you some midol.

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BigDave wrote:

Stop your whinning and have your moma wipe your nose and change your diaper, you will feel better.

Oh and send your wife to the store to by you some midol.

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Now that is an ENTIRELY uncalled for and extremely childish response. And just just proved SVG's point better than he could.

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Metalhead47 wrote:

BigDave wrote:

Stop your whinning and have your moma wipe your nose and change your diaper, you will feel better.

Oh and send your wife to the store to by you some midol.

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Now that is an ENTIRELY uncalled for and extremely childish response. And just just proved SVG's point better than he could.

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No it is entirely called for, so what he does not like what I write, don't read it or reply.

Everyones opinion is offered here it is up to you what opinion you want to accept or not, so take it or leave it.

There are several snot nosed kids that are looking for acknowledgment in here when they should be doing more reading then spewing garbage with no life experience.

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BigDave wrote:

Metalhead47 wrote:

BigDave wrote:

Stop your whinning and have your moma wipe your nose and change your diaper, you will feel better.

Oh and send your wife to the store to by you some midol.

Click to expand...

Now that is an ENTIRELY uncalled for and extremely childish response. And just just proved SVG's point better than he could.

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No it is entirely called for, so what he does not like what I write, don't read it or reply.

Everyones opinion is offered here it is up to you what opinion you want to accept or not, so take it or leave it.

There are several snot nosed kids that are looking for acknowledgment in here when they should be doing more reading then spewing garbage with no life experience.

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It's not your opinion, it's your ATTITUDE. It is out of line for a civil, adult discussion. You are behaving like a tool. Loose the personal attacks and know-it-all tone and everything will be fine.

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BigDave wrote:

Metalhead47 wrote:

BigDave wrote:

Stop your whinning and have your moma wipe your nose and change your diaper, you will feel better.

Oh and send your wife to the store to by you some midol.

Click to expand...

Now that is an ENTIRELY uncalled for and extremely childish response. And just just proved SVG's point better than he could.

Click to expand...

No it is entirely called for, so what he does not like what I write, don't read it or reply.

Everyones opinion is offered here it is up to you what opinion you want to accept or not, so take it or leave it.

There are several snot nosed kids that are looking for acknowledgment in here when they should be doing more reading then spewing garbage with no life experience.

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Your opinion is no better than the opinion of anyone else. We all have certain pieces of experience with a lot of the subjects that come up. Name calling and putting people down IS childish.

Respect other people's opinions and they will respect yours.