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Thread: A Parable of the Anti

  1. #1
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    A Parable of the Anti

    Here's a parable of how I view an anti.

    Hypothetically speaking, suppose I had a terrible nightmare one night. In my dream, I was just sitting down at my favorite fast food resturant with my order of 1 double hamburger. That double hamburger's aroma and texture were absolutly tantalizing. I immediatly raised the big juicy double pattie sandwich to my mouth.

    Before I could take a bite, I noticed a glint of white between the two patties. Upon closer inspection, I noticed that there were a whole row of hard, white objects between the two beef patties. Could it be bone, I wondered? Unfortunately, before I could decide what the white objects were, I learned the hard way. While still holding the burger close to my face, the two patties began to split apart. It was then that I realized what the row of hard, white objects were. They were teeth!

    My delicous, juicy burger was really a living creature that wanted to eat me! Before I could react, the thick, juicy double cheesburger opened it's big, meaty mouth filled with dozens of razor sharp teeth and made a lunge for my throat!

    The burger latched onto throat and tore a massive, jagged hole. My throat was bleeding so bad that within seconds, I felt dizzy from the massive blood loss and fell onto the cold tile floor. It felt as if the cold, hard floor was draining the very warmth right out of my body. I tried to get up, but I just felt too weak. I starting feeling very cold. My world started to fade away. Now everything is black and the whole world is quiet.

    Suddenly, I heard a strange buzzing sound that wouldn't go away. It was a rhythmatic buzz buzz BUZZ BUZZ that just got louder and louder. I realized that it was my alarm clock. I opened my eyes and realized that it was only a dream.

    Even though the killer man-eating double cheeseburger was only a figment of my imagination, the thought of a hamburger still gives me chills. Although it is 100% impossible for a cheeseburger to jump out of the wrapper and start killing people, I'm still deathly terrified of them. I don't care if they really are a figment of my imagination. I don't care that hamburgers are inanimate objects. I won't even consider just staying away from hamburgers. I am so afraid of killer hamburgers that I want to eradicate them completly.

    Even though I am the one with a strange phobia, I want everyone to conform to me so I can feel comfortable. Not only will I force them to conform to my rediculous demands whenever I run in to someone enjoying a hamburger, I will actively seek them out. I'm going to go to every fast food place I can find and demand that they stop selling hamburgers so that I can feel comfortable. I will do the same whenever I go to any resturant that has hamburgers on the menu. I will also harrass any people enjoying hamburgers while grilling, eating at a resturant, or even cooking hamburgers in their own home. Heck, I might even look for pro-hamburger websites on the internet just so I can insult them and tell them they should stop eating hamburgers.

    In my mind, this is a perfect example of your average gun grabbing anti.

    Someone that is frightened of an inanimate object that might just jump out and start murdering everybody.

    I would continue, but I'm beginning to feel a bit hungry. I think I'll have a nice, juicy double hamburger.

  2. #2
    Regular Member Brimstone Baritone's Avatar
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    Awesome post. Thanks!

  3. #3
    Regular Member simmonsjoe's Avatar
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    don't drink mushroom tea before bedtime.


  4. #4
    Regular Member paramedic70002's Avatar
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    You forgot about getting your legislator to sponsor anti-hamburger legislation.
    "Each worker carried his sword strapped to his side." Nehemiah 4:18

    Guns Save Lives. Paramedics Save Lives. But...
    Paramedics With Guns Scare People!

  5. #5
    Regular Member simmonsjoe's Avatar
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    Lightbulb

    There is nothing in the constitution that says you need more than one beef patty at a time. To ensure that you never have two beef patties at a time, there is a 3 day waiting period for beef patties. You may only have 1 beef patty edible at any time in your home, all others must be frozen, with safety locks on the freezer.

    In order to reduce the threat from patty-attacks, we must make patties an undesirable as possible. Therefor you can have patties with no more than 7% fat. You cannot have cheese on these patties, else it is an 'assault patty.' You may have lettuce OR tomato, but in order to have both, it must be a domestically made patty to be in compliance with 922r.

    If you wish to have a patty with Hot bannana peppers, horse radish, hot mustard, or tobasco sauce, you must have the proper tax stamp, and it is considered a class II food product. Any burger made after 2010 cannot have jalapenos or habenaro peppers. All patties made prior to 2010 with these features, are highly regulated class III food items are require background checks and special licensing.

    Because it is now illegal to own a knife, All patties must be 'bite sized,' as any patty over 2oz is considered a safety hazard to the general public. These must be prepared by specially licensed and trained cooks, who have gone through extensive background checks to ensure they won't sell burgers to children, or the morbidly obese.

  6. #6
    Regular Member Superlite27's Avatar
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    You local, state, and Federal food enforcement agencies issue shiny metal disks (badges) to their officers that make hamburgers safe for them. The officers are allowed to eat hamburgers for you because the government says it is O.K. You only have to call 199 and a food enforcement officer will come running to eat a burger for you.

    Why do you feel the need to eat a hamburger yourself? Aren't you just trying to act all macho and fast-food?

  7. #7
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    You guys... keep it down with all this beef talk... you're gonna make PETA upset

  8. #8
    Regular Member Superlite27's Avatar
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    A well regulated food industry being necessary to the deliciousness of a consumer state
    There you have it! You must be a member of a consumer agency in order to eat hamburgers. We can't just have everyone running around bar-b-quing, at will. It's a collective right. This means you can only grill and eat burgers when called upon to do so by your local Chamber of Commerce.
    Last edited by Superlite27; 07-13-2010 at 02:20 PM.

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    Quote Originally Posted by simmonsjoe View Post
    There is nothing in the constitution that says you need more than one beef patty at a time. To ensure that you never have two beef patties at a time, there is a 3 day waiting period for beef patties. You may only have 1 beef patty edible at any time in your home, all others must be frozen, with safety locks on the freezer.

    In order to reduce the threat from patty-attacks, we must make patties an undesirable as possible. Therefor you can have patties with no more than 7% fat. You cannot have cheese on these patties, else it is an 'assault patty.' You may have lettuce OR tomato, but in order to have both, it must be a domestically made patty to be in compliance with 922r.

    If you wish to have a patty with Hot bannana peppers, horse radish, hot mustard, or tobasco sauce, you must have the proper tax stamp, and it is considered a class II food product. Any burger made after 2010 cannot have jalapenos or habenaro peppers. All patties made prior to 2010 with these features, are highly regulated class III food items are require background checks and special licensing.

    Because it is now illegal to own a knife, All patties must be 'bite sized,' as any patty over 2oz is considered a safety hazard to the general public. These must be prepared by specially licensed and trained cooks, who have gone through extensive background checks to ensure they won't sell burgers to children, or the morbidly obese.
    Lol, I'll had a double patty with triple cheese please

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    Quote Originally Posted by cabbitone View Post
    Fight for your rights!!!

    What do people not understand about shall not ???
    Haven't you heard?

    The government recently uncovered a dictionary from 1791 and the word "not" actually means "heavy governmental control"

    Lol

  11. #11
    Campaign Veteran XD-GEM's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by daddy4count View Post
    You guys... keep it down with all this beef talk... you're gonna make PETA upset
    Yeah, don't want that. They'll send in some naked chick covered in mustard or ketchup to protest.

  12. #12
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    ......and if you disagree with my beliefs and wish to continue eating burgers, then you ARE a racist homophobe.

  13. #13
    Regular Member simmonsjoe's Avatar
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    Peta

    Quote Originally Posted by daddy4count View Post
    You guys... keep it down with all this beef talk... you're gonna make PETA upset
    Let some lame chick throw fake blood on me. I'll just like it off while saying sexy things to her about food. Like how I want to do shots of hot dog juice out of her naval.

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