Open Carry humor for a change...

The folks in an old pioneer town see an Indian on top of a ridge and he yells, 'hey you no good, squaw raping, disease ridden , baby killers come get me.'

The town sends Jethro over the ridge but only the horse comes back. So they send two guys but again only their horses return. So the Mayor sets up a posse of 10 men none return except, one guy barely alive being dragged with his foot in the stirrup. He shouts "Don't go its a trick there are two of them!".

A pioneer family was traveling west when they come across a native man laying face down in the middle of the road. They asked the man "what are you doing?"

He replies, "2-horses, canvas covered wagon, Man in black hat, woman in purple polka dot dress, 3 children in the back"

The pioneers are impressed and they exclaim " You can tell all that by listening to the ground!"

"No, ran over me two hours ago"

I am tearing up here, keep the jokes coming.

Hear about the new corduroy pillows?

They're making headlines!

USMC Rules For Gun Fighting

• <LI sb_id="ms__id120">Bring a gun. Preferably, bring at least two guns. Bring all of your friends who have guns. <LI sb_id="ms__id121">Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive. <LI sb_id="ms__id122">Only hits count. A close miss is still a miss. <LI sb_id="ms__id123">If your shooting stance is good, you're probably not moving fast enough nor using cover correctly. <LI sb_id="ms__id124">Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral and diagonal movements are preferred.) <LI sb_id="ms__id125">If you can choose what to bring to a gunfight, bring a long gun and a friend with a long gun. <LI sb_id="ms__id126">In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. <LI sb_id="ms__id127">They will only remember who lived. <LI sb_id="ms__id128">If you are not shooting, you should be communic- ating, reloading, and running. <LI sb_id="ms__id129">Accuracy is relative: most combat shooting standards will be more dependent on "pucker factor" than the inherent accuracy of the gun. <LI sb_id="ms__id130">Use a gun that works EVERY TIME. <LI sb_id="ms__id131">Someday someone may kill you with your own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it because it is empty. <LI sb_id="ms__id132">Always cheat = always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose. <LI sb_id="ms__id133">Have a plan. <LI sb_id="ms__id134">Have a back-up plan, because the first one won't work. <LI sb_id="ms__id135">Use cover and concealment as much as possible. <LI sb_id="ms__id136">Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours. <LI sb_id="ms__id137">Don't drop your guard. <LI sb_id="ms__id138">Always tactically reload and threat scan 360 degrees. <LI sb_id="ms__id139">Watch their hands. Hands kill. (In God we trust. Everyone else, keep your hands where I can see them). <LI sb_id="ms__id140">Decide to be AGGRESSIVE enough, QUICKLY enough. <LI sb_id="ms__id141">The faster you finish the fight, the less shot up you will get. <LI sb_id="ms__id142">Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet. <LI sb_id="ms__id143">Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
• Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a "4".

Navy Rules for Gun Fighting

• <LI sb_id="ms__id148">Go to Sea <LI sb_id="ms__id149">Send the Marines
• Drink Coffee

Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun, the caliber of which does not start with a "4".

Click to expand...

What, no 50-cals??

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.

Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

The woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already.

The little boy says, ' Dark in here.'

The man says, 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball..'

Man: 'That's nice'

Boy: 'Want to buy it?'

Man: 'No, thanks.'

Boy: 'My Dad's outside.'
Man: 'OK, how much?'

Boy: '$250'

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy: 'Dark in here.'

Man: 'Yes, it is.'

Boy: 'I have a baseball glove.'

The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'

Boy: '$750'

Man: 'Sold.'

A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, 'Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch.'

The boy says, 'I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.'

The Dad asks, 'How much did you sell them for?'

Boy: '$1,000'

The Dad says, 'That's terrible to over charge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm taking you to church, to confession.'

They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door..

The boy says, 'Dark in here.'

The priest says, 'Don't start that crap again; you're in my closet now.'

Jimmy has passed all of his tests to become a Texas Ranger except the final interview and psyche eval. He goes in for the interview......................'Well Jimmy it says here you have exceeded all expectations in all areas. You are an expert marksman, have excellent hand to hand skills, superb field work and detective records all that remains is the psych evaluation. I'm going to schedule you for one week from today , is that good for you?"Yes sir that'll be fine." "Jimmy there's an informal test we keep off the record you need to take however. Here's 100 rounds of ammo, by next week we need you to shoot 50 drug smugglers, 49 rapists and one dog."(Jimmy) "Hell with this, I'm not shootin' a dog for no reason!!"
"You just passed the psych eval."

A man and a woman entered a church. Said the pastor, "Do you believe in the right to keep and bear arms?

The man and the woman looked at one another and said, "Sir, we believe in Jesus."

The pastor looked at them sadly and said, "Jesus will save your souls, if he hasn't already done so. But the good Lord could care less about that if the blithering heathens are robbing you and your kin blind in the process!"

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, 'What are all those clocks?'

St. Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.'

'Oh,' said the man, 'whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible,' said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St. Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln 's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.'

'Where's President Obama’s clock?' asked the man.

Obama’s clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan.

_________________

Marine

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in, looked to the ceiling, and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, '"Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked, stunned, and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me."

golddigger14s said:

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in, looked to the ceiling, and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, '"Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked, stunned, and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me."

Click to expand...

So love that one.

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.
"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.
Did he tell you what caliber to get?" asked the clerk."
"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesnt even know that I am going to shoot him!"

UNIVERSAL LAWS

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act

4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi - If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).

7. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument - Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

16. Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

17. Oliver's Law of Public Speaking - A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick.

2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

Click to expand...

That includes small gun parts.
Somewhere in my kitchen is a firing pin retainer for my Yugo 57. Seven months and still looking. It took two months to have a new one made.

OC humor:

The Washington Post has continued to run old Peanuts comic strips since the passing of Charles Shulz. The readers demanded it, as I recall.

Recently the Post ran a Peanuts strip with Charlie Brown and Snoopy. Charlie tells Snoopy that he has to have a dog license, rabies certificate, etc. But, he doesn't need a license for that. The "that" is evident in the pane. Snoopy is shouldering a black rifle.

golddigger14s said:

A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU.

One day the professor shocked the class when he came in, looked to the ceiling, and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes."

The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop.

Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, '"Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him, knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold.

The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked, stunned, and sat there looking on in silence.

The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting American soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me."

Click to expand...

This put me in mind of a true-life experience. I had a professor in college who cut off his finger to prove that there was no God. He challenged God to prove His existence by regrowing the amputated digit. The finger did not grow back.

The professor took this to mean that there was no God. I took it to mean that thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God. He will likely let you suffer the consequences of your stupidity.

I remember looking at that stump every day and wondering how such a brilliant man could do such an idiotic thing.

huh?

eye95 said:

This put me in mind of a true-life experience. I had a professor in college who cut off his finger to prove that there was no God. He challenged God to prove His existence by regrowing the amputated digit. The finger did not grow back.

The professor took this to mean that there was no God. I took it to mean that thou shalt not tempt the Lord thy God. He will likely let you suffer the consequences of your stupidity.

I remember looking at that stump every day and wondering how such a brilliant man could do such an idiotic thing.

Click to expand...

oh come on! eye95, you cant possibly expect me to believe that really happened!
i demand a cite, or a pic, or another witness.
it is a good anecdote, but i ask, was it really real?, or just a good story?

1245A Defender said:

oh come on! eye95, you cant possibly expect me to believe that really happened!
i demand a cite, or a pic, or another witness.
it is a good anecdote, but i ask, was it really real?, or just a good story?

Click to expand...

Very EASILY could have been exactly what the prof said, as he lied through his teeth to the class!

JoeSparky said:

Very EASILY could have been exactly what the prof said, as he lied through his teeth to the class!

Click to expand...

He may well have been lying. However, the finger was gone.

Telling the lie would have been more idiotic than the truth, so I tend to believe him.

Anyway, I don't want to further interrupt this thread from its humorous mission, so let's return to our regularly scheduled programming already in progress...