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Thread: Loss of a father, please help!

  1. #1
    Regular Member Nevada carrier's Avatar
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    Loss of a father, please help!

    Today, I held my father's hand as he passed away at Victoria Care Center. The feelings I have now are those that I need help dealing with. Anyone who can offer their words of wisdom, please PM me. I am currently in the Ventura, CA area and need your council. Please help.
    Last edited by Nevada carrier; 03-23-2011 at 04:33 AM.

  2. #2
    Campaign Veteran skidmark's Avatar
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    My condolences on your loss.

    Are you a member of a church? Go there. Maybe even if you are not a member go talk to the folks at one.

    Don't like/want church right now? Ask at the Victoria Care Center who does grief counseling. Or ask your family doctor for a referral.

    Losing a parent is tough. Even more so if it's the first time you experience someone dying. You may not believe it, or want to hear it right now, but life goes on and the pain grows less. Take care of yourself and whatever family you have so that you can remember your father.

    stay safe.

  3. #3
    Regular Member sudden valley gunner's Avatar
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    Don't isolate yourself and although no one truly knows "how another feels", sharing your experience and listening to others who have gone through something similar can help you cope greatly.

    My condolences and if you need to vent or just let out some emotion feel free to PM me. I can't guarantee to have great advice but I will listen.
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    Regular Member HeroHog's Avatar
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    PM sent. Hang in there bud. I know it's tough.
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  5. #5
    Moderator / Administrator Grapeshot's Avatar
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    You have many friends here and we weep with you.

    Take the hands offered in friendship and do not isolate yourself - human touch is a great healer.
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  6. #6
    Regular Member SFCRetired's Avatar
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    From experience:

    1. Whether you believe or not, talk to a pastor, priest, rabbi, or other clergyman. If he/she is worth their salt, they won't try to convert you, but they will give you some things to think on that are comforting.

    2. Do not isolate yourself. Make it a point to be with friends and family.

    3. When the pain lessens, and it will, take joy in celebrating your father's life. I don't know what kind of relationship you had with him, but, if you look hard enough, you will find many things to laugh about, to cry about, and just to feel comfortable about.

    4. Understand that he will always be a part of you. You will find yourself thinking, "Damn, I'll have to tell Dad about that" or "I'll have to show that to Dad." When you do and the realization dawns that you can do neither any more; laugh about it.

    For what it is worth, I lost my Dad thirty-six years ago. I still miss him and I still do some of the things in #4.

    I also give thanks every single day that Dad made me the man that I am. I just hope I am half the man he was.

    You have my most sincere condolences. If you want to talk, PM me.

    One last thing: Yes, real men do cry and unashamedly.
    Last edited by SFCRetired; 03-24-2011 at 07:19 PM. Reason: Addition

  7. #7
    Regular Member Gunslinger's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SFCRetired View Post
    From experience:

    1. Whether you believe or not, talk to a pastor, priest, rabbi, or other clergyman. If he/she is worth their salt, they won't try to convert you, but they will give you some things to think on that are comforting.

    2. Do not isolate yourself. Make it a point to be with friends and family.

    3. When the pain lessens, and it will, take joy in celebrating your father's life. I don't know what kind of relationship you had with him, but, if you look hard enough, you will find many things to laugh about, to cry about, and just to feel comfortable about.

    4. Understand that he will always be a part of you. You will find yourself thinking, "Damn, I'll have to tell Dad about that" or "I'll have to show that to Dad." When you do and the realization dawns that you can do neither any more; laugh about it.

    For what it is worth, I lost my Dad thirty-six years ago. I still miss him and I still do some of the things in #4.

    I also give thanks every single day that Dad made me the man that I am. I just hope I am half the man he was.

    You have my most sincere condolences. If you want to talk, PM me.

    One last thing: Yes, real men do cry and unashamedly.
    Very well written advise. You have my sympathies, as well. Be comforted by the knowledge that he lived a life worth remembering and is in a much better place now awaiting your reunion.

  8. #8
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    Dads

    Life is but a passing moment. As is birth, the beggining of life as we know it, death is part of that life which we all must pass through. My father passed in 97 at the age of 94. I thank God for every moment that I had with him and enjoy the knowledge and lessons that he taught me. He made me the man I am today. I have passed down to my children and grandchildren those traits and lessons he taught me. To love Jesus, Respect your elders, Respect other peoples rights, Honor and respect your spouses right to her own opinion, Listen to your children and help them when needed. Take care of yourself first then your able to take care of your family. Pass down all the good he has taught you. A fathers love has no end as yours was to you so shall yours be to your children and they to theirs. God bless him for being the father he was and God bless you for being the father you are.

  9. #9
    Campaign Veteran Dutch Uncle's Avatar
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    On the loss of your father

    I'm touched by the outpouring of very heartfelt condolences and by the very good advice the previous posters have offered. This organization clearly has many wise and compassionate people, which warms my heart as I hope it does yours.

    I can't offer much that doesn't repeat what you have already heard, but having lost my wonderful Dad 4 years ago, I can imagine what you may go through in the coming months. At first there will be some bewilderment: "How can this be? I really won't ever be able to talk to him again, or get his advice?" You certainly will cry at first as you go through the most acute grief, but this is a blessing because it helps you get feelings out that shouldn't be stuffed away. As the months go by, you will find the work gets easier, though it is never truly finished. At some point, being reminded of your father will be accompanied mostly by the good, positive memories, which you have to hold onto as you let the pain go. I had some favorite pictures of my father that were painful to look at in the beginning, but now when I look at them I can recall the wonderful times and experiences we had. I feel comforted by the many good memories, and tears come only occasionally now.

    Keep some of your favorite pictures of your father handy, and post us in 5-6 months to let us know how things are going for you. My sincere condolences to you and your family.

    Jim

  10. #10
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    I lost my Mom just over two months ago, I feel your pain everyday. Yes, I still cry sometimes when I realize how much I miss her. (Even getting chocked up typing this!) I was taking care of her for these last couple years as her disease worsened; I come home from work and the house feels so EMPTY! I too see things that I know she would have gotten a kick out of when I'd tell her. Her grandchildren miss her hugs. The thing that comforts me is knowing she's in a better place, no more pain and she can dance with the angels. We're here for you!! If you need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on, don't hesitate to ask. God bless.
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  11. #11
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    As with the other suggestions already posted, I would like to add what helped me when my fiance passed away almost three years ago:

    -There will be rough days, but remember it will get better with time.

    -It is important to spend time with family and friends.

    -During this time of loss and stress, remember to take care of yourself!

    -There might be some sleepless nights ahead, so rest when you can.

    -Lastly, remember to drink plenty of water! You'll need to replace the water lost from crying, and yes real men do cry.

  12. #12
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    Stay positive my friend. I lost my mother this month. It seems the month of March has claimed many of our loved ones. PM me if you feel like chatting.

    I wish and your family the very best.

  13. #13
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    By all means, speak to a pastor, rabbi or other spiritual adviser, no matter where you are spiritually.

    Grief can be a hard thing, particularly for someone so close as your father. Its important for you to process your grief. Grief materials and counseling are available from churches as well as secular sources like family counseling practices. Don't hesitate to avail yourself of these resources.

    You didn't mention what other surviving family members are involved, like a widow, other children or relatives. How you handle things can be a very powerful comfort to others who loved your father. Some of them may follow your lead and seek some grief counseling. If you're alone in this, don't remain alone, get some help from a church, pastor or family counselor.

    Now the practical reality, is that there are probably some worldly things you're going to have to take care of or be a part of, including his funeral, his will, the handling of assets according to his wishes, etc. Be as strong as you can be as you work through this stuff.

    Its important to keep good times you had with your dad in the forefront of your mind so you have those good memories with you.

    I wish my wife and I could be there with you, but we're here on the east coast and don't know anybody in CA. We will pray for you. Please feel free to reply, PM or contact me.

  14. #14
    Regular Member HeroHog's Avatar
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    Just found out yesterday that my father-in-law has a very aggressive form of malignant cancer in his bladder. We find out tomorrow if it has spread beyond his bladder...
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  15. #15
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    Im sorry for your loss i know the loss of a parent can be devastating. I lost my mother when i was 13 (im 22 now) and the best advice i can give is talk to the people that love and care about you. and feel free to PM me. Ill offer what lil advice i can and listen to whatever you gota say. Sometimes you just gota vent. my prayers are with you and your family. GOD BLESS

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