^^ haha!
HG, Spyderco Tenacious, tac light (125 lumens), aluminum cane, cell phone, recording device, camera which snaps and records video (actually two cams, one a Kodak which is very slim and can record underwater), a digital recorder in the car, an MP3 player which can record audio but takes time to activate.
Also, A partner carries a .357 magnum, Ruger revolver, flashlight, OC spray (often leaves it in the garage), a sheath knife (KaBar; she's an avid gardener), a little folding skeleton knife on her keys, and a disarming smile. She's my most lethal SD carry option - while the BG is looking at me for money, she's deploying and seeking cover and angles.
Note I didn't mention anything like pens, car keys, which I don't think are, by themselves very effective. We do have a solid steel pen which is quite heavy.
My BUG has a red laser, which could, conceivably be used to momentarily distract and blind, and she sometimes puts a shell-shot (birdshot) round in the revolver as the first shot, and she carries a BUG in 9mm. One HG on her person, one in her purse, sometimes another HG in her conceal shirt (tiny LCP). She takes great glee in packing more HGs at one time than I do, lol. We go to the outdoor range a lot so it's not paranoid, just efficient.