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Paraprosdokian

Grapeshot

Grapeshot

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Definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.


1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.



Words of Wisdom:

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."


 
H

Herr Heckler Koch

Guest
"...the second mouse gets the cheese."



--Moderator deleted image - not suitable--

The guy I cited above, Taleb, cites Yogi Berra's malapropisms regularly.

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Yogi_Berra

Some of us here read Lysander Spooner, but he is not the source of spoonerisms, they come from William Archibald Spooner.
 
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OC for ME

OC for ME

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White Oak Plantation
“I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.” — Will Rogers

“You can always count on Americans to do the right thing – after they’ve tried everything else.” — Winston Churchill

”It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.” — Winston Churchill

"By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's I mean." — Mark Twain
 
since9

since9

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Messages
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Location
Colorado Springs, Colorado, USA
My double quota of grapeshot:

Grapeshot said:
Definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.


1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
Click to expand...


Idiot's don't actually have experience. If one has managed to convince you of such, they're no longer the idiot. You are.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
Click to expand...

It's never on my list. I have no wish to hurt anyone. Ever. I will, however, do whatever it takes to protect myself and my loved ones and neighbors against unlawful aggression, up to and including the use of deadly force.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Click to expand...

.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
Click to expand...

If this is in response to a particular post, I get it. If not, I don't.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Click to expand...

Many of us learn how to conduct ourselves in private, as well. We also retain allowances for behavior involving "being real." They may involve going for a snow roll in the high alpines, but I cannot corroborate such activity definitively, as I've never observed it myself, and only having participated in on one occasion...

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Click to expand...

Yes and no. Depends largely on who's fighting, why, their numbers, experience, technologies, national resolve, resources, and a whole slew of other things well outside my areas of expertise. My advice? Avoid war at most costs. Go to war when your enemy is asking your to give up your way of life.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
Click to expand...

I love tomatoes in my fruit salad, along with gourds and other fruits most people consider "vegetables." Just goes to show if people can't tell a fruit from a vegetable, how in the world are they expected to intelligibly vote for the president of the most powerful nation on Earth? We as a nation royally goofed four years ago. Let's not goof this time around.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
Click to expand...

Brian Williams tells you why it's good news, particularly at the end. What he refused to tell you are the decisive anti-Obama stories such as the late Jan ruling by an Alabama Judge against his citizenship, or the upcoming Feb 6 ruling as to his eligilibity to be on the Georgia presidential ballot.

I've looked VERY deeply into the evidence. My opinion: No. He fails all U.S.C. requirements for citizenship.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
Click to expand...

Ppbblllsh... Do your own research. :) To improve on another's research is progress.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
Click to expand...

And it goes? Where?

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
Click to expand...

We all have goals.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

?

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Click to expand...

Nah. If you don't have the moxie to say it's my fault, it's yours for not having having the moxie to blame me. On the other hand, if you're willing to say "I goofed" when you really did goof, I'll go to bat for you six ways to Sunday, first by helping minimize the damages of whatever you may have done, then by backing you up, provided we were both on the same sheet of music.

Hey, these are new times. Grow or blow.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
Click to expand...

That's sexist, but I get it. The little downfall I suffered was at the hands of a woman into whose life I've poured 14 years of everything I had. I wasn't perfect, but I wasn't abusive, and was instead kind, caring, considerate, long-suffering, and my reward? My ex tried to get me kicked out of the service.

Her baggage, not mine (her father once chased her and her siblings out into the corn fields with a loaded firearm while threatening to kill their mother). Think that's baggage? I do. My family was "Leave it to Beaver." I got whooped if I didn't come home by the time Emergency was playing. Two spankings and "ouch!" I got no ice cream while STILL having to finish my homework before bedtime. Ouch!

I retired at 45, and am giving back to my community every way I can. I credit my father. If your father wasn't so cool, please realize my father retired ten years later in his career than I did, but with three times the income. His father wasn't so caring as mine was, so please don't confuse "caring" for "prosperity." I live in a 1 BR apartment. He lives in a 4 BR house, fully paid-for.

Grab the clue.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
Click to expand...

This is just sheer liberalistic/marxist/communist fluff. A clear conscience is the sign of a...

...clear conscience.

17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Click to expand...

By this statement, and what I know of God, you don't know God at all.

Try again. He's infinitely patient. If you don't succeed, "try, try..."

18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Click to expand...

True.

19. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
Click to expand...

True. I'd add I've been far happier in times of want than in times when I was looking for money.

20. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.
Click to expand...

Mary had a little lamb.

Mary kept a little lamb.

Those of you who can't see the difference between the two will likely wind up on a police blotter.

21. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
Click to expand...

At least you're sure about your indecision.

22. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Click to expand...

This quote is just gross. A far better quote is "Staying young requires the unceasing cultivation of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods." - Heinlein

23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
Click to expand...

I think that's the current tactic of the Orange County or California Police Departments in general. They've murdered a good number of civilians, and the careers of many of their ranks are bust, mostly because of BAD TRAINING from on high. Fix that, and we've fixed a lot of other problems with California.

24. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Click to expand...

It's never what it was, but my split pea soup comes damn close!

25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Click to expand...

Yeah...

26. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
Click to expand...

Or walking into McDonalds makes you a whopper.

27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
Click to expand...

An American is someone who wishes you well along the way, but shares with you the benefit of their experience so you're not horns-waggled by another country.

28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
Click to expand...

Amen.

29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
Click to expand...

I've leave off the tequila, but I can always use the lemon for the fish that goes with the salt and ham.

30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Click to expand...

Fire kills life. Water gives life to life. I fight fire with water, in the living words of water of our Savior if I can, in my own words if I can't.

Words of Wisdom:

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
Click to expand...

The better mouse gets the worm, the cheese, and if he's crafty enough, the bird as well as the second mouse.

Really? You didn't think so? Are you still living in the 15th Century?
Click to expand...
 
1245A Defender

1245A Defender

Regular Member
Joined
Jul 7, 2009
Messages
4,365
Location
north mason county, Washington, USA
Huh??

People,,,,

some dont get IT...

These are humorous
they are not acusations
We dont want or need You to defend yourself or explain their fallacies

they are are more true than false,,, you should be able to see that!
that is why they are funny...
Get over yourself.

Maybe you could add some funny sayings of your own.
 
Grapeshot

Grapeshot

Legendary Warrior
Joined
May 21, 2006
Messages
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Location
Valhalla
Grapeshot said:
Definition: "Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation." "Where there's a will, I want to be in it," is a type of paraprosdokian.

Click to expand...

I thought it was an obvious attempt to show how humor can be used to stimulate thought - never intended to demonstrate an absolute truth.

Mark Twain and Will Rogers knew the value of stirring the pot with tongue-in-cheek levity. Sometimes we take ourselves too seriously - a little break from that can be refreshing.
 
G

georg jetson

Regular Member
Joined
Sep 14, 2009
Messages
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Location
Slidell, Louisiana
Grapeshot said:
I thought it was an obvious attempt to show how humor can be used to stimulate thought - never intended to demonstrate an absolute truth.

Mark Twain and Will Rogers knew the value of stirring the pot with tongue-in-cheek levity. Sometimes we take ourselves too seriously - a little break from that can be refreshing.
Click to expand...

The humor was unavoidably obvious... However, you're now required to attend sensativity training. :p
 
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DrakeZ07

DrakeZ07

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Joined
Mar 26, 2011
Messages
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Location
Lexington, Ky
Herr Heckler Koch said:
--Moderator deleted image - not suitable--

The guy I cited above, Taleb, cites Yogi Berra's malapropisms regularly.

https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Yogi_Berra

Some of us here read Lysander Spooner, but he is not the source of spoonerisms, they come from William Archibald Spooner.
Click to expand...

The picture ... NSFW? or am I looking at it wrong? :O


--Moderator--
Quite right, corrected that.
 
deepdiver

deepdiver

Campaign Veteran
Joined
Apr 2, 2007
Messages
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Location
Southeast, Missouri, USA
Grapeshot said:
I thought it was an obvious attempt to show how humor can be used to stimulate thought - never intended to demonstrate an absolute truth.

Mark Twain and Will Rogers knew the value of stirring the pot with tongue-in-cheek levity. Sometimes we take ourselves too seriously - a little break from that can be refreshing.
Click to expand...

+1,000
 
S

SFCRetired

Regular Member
Joined
Oct 29, 2008
Messages
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Location
Montgomery, Alabama, USA
Grapeshot said:
Mark Twain and Will Rogers knew the value of stirring the pot with tongue-in-cheek levity. Sometimes we take ourselves too seriously - a little break from that can be refreshing.
Click to expand...

Amen!! And I do believe Brothers Twain and Rogers will eventually be recognized, if they are not already, as the two greatest American humorists.


There is one on here who can claim both of them as brother if his avatar is to be believed. At one time, I could have.

http://www.masonicinfo.com/famous1.htm
 
OC for ME

OC for ME

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Messages
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White Oak Plantation
Low humor alarm....danger Will Robinson....danger Will Robinson....

Three threads experience a low humor alarm in one day. I think mod/admin intervention is needed. (quasi professional help, in a Dr, Phill kind of way)
 
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