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Thread: 2012: How The World Ends

  1. #1
    Regular Member Jack House's Avatar
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    2012: How The World Ends

    We all know about the whack job doomsday theorists that peg the end of the world on, or beginning on, December 21st. What we don't know is how right they are.

    You see, something else happens this year. It's the presidential elections. What no one yet realizes is that they will be pushed back to December 21st. On that day, either myself or Obama shall be elected. If either party is elected, it will without doubt mean the beginning of the end for the world.

    For you see, if I am elected president. I shall immediately proceed to build up our armed forces. Once I am feel are good and ready, I wont waste time declaring war on Australia. Because damned those Aussies! Besides, I'm fairly confident they'll just surrender. I'll promise them a carrot and some beer. And Aussies love their beer. Also, I'll let them duke it out with New Zealand, so they can have their beer day. We all know the Australians day dream constantly about the day they get to declare war on New Zealand.



    At this point I feel I should apologize to a few people. Haz, other Haz, the millions of Matthews I know that live in Australia because Australians love the name Matthew or something; I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I am going to point big scary guns and bombs and missiles and a giant robot bald eagle that shoots lasers out of it's beak. I'd rather not do it, but I am not sure that offering Australia freedom from the tyranny of Britain is enough of an incentive to become America's shock troopers. Also, I'm sorry for using you guys as shock troopers in my war on everything Jack doesn't like at the moment. I love you guys, really. You're all like brothers to me. But you all fight so well.

    And Kayla and all the other kiwis out there. I'm sorry for just handing you over to the Australians. I promise they wont hit you too hard and if they do, just offer them some beer. Y'all can become besties! At anyrate, it just has to be done.

    Now, back to my presidency. With the Australians as my shock troopers and kiwis playing host to the Aussies, I shall then declare war on.... Someone. Not sure who yet, maybe France? Just 'cause. I want to be reelected, and if Iron Sky is going to teach me anything, it's that presidents that declare war in their first term get reelected. Also that there are Nazis on the moon building an armada to attack earth. So I guess my next move should be to nuke the moon out of the sky. No one likes Nazis, especially not space Nazis. Although that one Nazi chick is kinda hot. Hmmmm.

    Continued in reply
    Last edited by Jack House; 02-12-2012 at 06:22 AM.

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    Regular Member Jack House's Avatar
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    I think we can all agree that Space Nazis must all die. Well, I don't know about those liberals among us. They might just want to hold hands and sing kumbaya at them. This might actually work, I mean, it'd probably scare the life right out of me if I had been hiding on the moon for the last 70 years. But I'd rather just vaporize the moon, ya know, to be safe.

    I think that is enough about my presidency for now.

    As for Obama, well, need I really say any more? I mean, it's Obama. There's a million and one ways he could destroy the world. And whichever he picks is totally going to be random. He'll probably just do something utterly silly, like accidentally fart in Putin's general direction. Obviously, with Obama's insanely powerful farts, Putin will mistake this as an attempt on his life through a biological warfare. The only reasonable response would be to counter with nuclear force. And there goes the world, turned into a giant ice skating rink for the space Nazis and Belgians from Mars.

    suphando said:
    dust wait for belgiums from, mars


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    Have you been drinking again?
    AUDE VIDE TACE

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    Quote Originally Posted by SavageOne View Post
    Have you been drinking again?
    Alcohol is not a sufficient explanation.

  5. #5
    Regular Member Jack House's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by SavageOne View Post
    Have you been drinking again?
    If I say no, will it ruin the magic?

    Quote Originally Posted by youngck View Post
    Alcohol is not a sufficient explanation.
    Nor was it in a sufficient quantity to have any effect. Only two glasses of JD. I'm running low.

  6. #6
    Regular Member Jack House's Avatar
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    Earth responds to my prophecy!


    Click it for the full sized version


    The Earth just called out Mel Gibson! **** just got real!

    There is but only one way to respond; ROBOT NIXON I CHOOSE YOU!




    Yeah, that's right, Earth. I've got Robot Nixon on my side! Whatcha gonna do about that huh? What!? WHAT?!
    Last edited by Jack House; 02-13-2012 at 05:10 PM.

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    Regular Member DrakeZ07's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jack House View Post
    Earth responds to my prophecy!


    Click it for the full sized version


    The Earth just called out Mel Gibson! **** just got real!

    There is but only one way to respond; ROBOT NIXON I CHOOSE YOU!




    Yeah, that's right, Earth. I've got Robot Nixon on my side! Whatcha gonna do about that huh? What!? WHAT?!


    I like you. <3.
    I'm a proud openly gay open carrier~
    Trained SKYWARN spotter, and veteran Storm Chaser.
    =^.^= ~<3~ =^.^=
    Beware the Pink Camo clad gay redneck.

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    Regular Member Beretta92FSLady's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jack House View Post

    I think we can all agree that Space Nazis must all die.
    I am considered somewhat of a Liberal...space Nazis ought to die.

    I don't mind watching the OC-Community (tea party 2.0's, who have hijacked the OC-Community) cannibalize itself. I do mind watching OC dragged through the gutter. OC is an exercise of A Right. I choose to not OC; I choose to not own firearms. I choose to leave the OC-Community to it's own self-inflicted injuries, and eventual implosion. Carry on...

  9. #9
    Founder's Club Member thebigsd's Avatar
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    Well it was a fun read...can we get another installment?
    "When seconds count between living or dying, the police are only minutes away."

  10. #10
    Regular Member Jack House's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by DrakeZ07 View Post
    I like you. <3.
    <3

    Quote Originally Posted by Beretta92FSLady View Post
    I am considered somewhat of a Liberal...space Nazis ought to die.
    Vote for me then, dear sister! I shall lead the slaughter of the space Nazis!

    Quote Originally Posted by thebigsd View Post
    Well it was a fun read...can we get another installment?
    The British has promised me their undying loyalty and an army of old ladies. Everyone knows them old British women are vicious!

    The Swedes have offered up their finest kitchen ninjas, however they are currently locked in battle with Norway over who gets to do my bidding! Who shall be the victor? Will it be the Swedish Kitchen Ninjas or the Norwegian's 50,000 tonnes of salt carp they're threatening to launch at Sweden? Only time will tell!

    Click image for larger version. 

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    Swedish kitchen ninja, doesn't she look fierce?


    They Aussies have threatened me with Chuthulu! Who the hell do those convicts think they are?! I've countered with Godzilla and Robo Eagle. Good thing we still own Japan!

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    The Earth just released a statement saying , She fears neither you nor your minions. She has seen no true evidence of your awesome power. If you are willing to truly demonstrate your power ..... say by open mouth kissing Nancy Pelosi, and surviving, Earth may be willing, at some point of her choosing, talk about opening negotiations, at a later date.
    AUDE VIDE TACE

  12. #12
    Founder's Club Member thebigsd's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jack House View Post
    SNIP
    The British has promised me their undying loyalty and an army of old ladies. Everyone knows them old British women are vicious!
    "When seconds count between living or dying, the police are only minutes away."

  13. #13
    Regular Member Jack House's Avatar
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    EXACTLY! They're wicked evil and nigh on indestructible to boot!

    Quote Originally Posted by SavageOne View Post
    The Earth just released a statement saying , She fears neither you nor your minions. She has seen no true evidence of your awesome power. If you are willing to truly demonstrate your power ..... say by open mouth kissing Nancy Pelosi, and surviving, Earth may be willing, at some point of her choosing, talk about opening negotiations, at a later date.
    Tell Earth I said thanks, but no thanks. Not interested in negotiating.
    Last edited by Jack House; 02-14-2012 at 05:03 PM.

  14. #14
    Regular Member Jack House's Avatar
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    Sprint has taken exception to my plans and has responded by demanding a $100 fee for a repair that they told me would be free!

    The audacity! How dare they oppose me like this! As future president of the United States of America, I hereby declare war of annihilation against Sprint, may they burn with the fires of a thousand suns for their irreverence!

  15. #15
    Regular Member Jack House's Avatar
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    This just in! The Australian's have pledged their loyalty and support for my cause in exchange for free suds.

    Further, here is a small list of some of my plans.

    I'll glass the middle east, if only because with all that sand and subsequent nuclear winter, it'd make a great ice skating rink.

    When we strike at Russia, this should be the most fun. Since they have a nice sized military with some pretty sweet tech.

    North Korea seems like it would be tough, they have entirely way too many artillery weapons. But they've been playing tough guy for so long with relatively little backlash that I think once the bombs start flying, Boy Kim will just up and surrender.

    Otherwise it'll be a game of artillery chess. Might even dust off the old Cold War era artillery shells, the know the kind.

    China will be a massive land invasion. We'll quickly disable as much of their armored divisions as possible, including ships and maybe their air force. Leaving them with only an infantry based military. Then I'll send in the boys and girls and see who has the best fighters.

    Of course we'll win, the Chinese will be woefully unprepared for the Swiss supersoldiers, the Swedish kitchen ninjas, the Australian shock troopers and whoever else I am forgetting.

    When the dust settles. Who knows what'll happen. Maybe after we blend mars(we're going to use a giant Blendtech Blender to see if it blends), nuke the moon and use the mass shadow generator from Malachor V to finish off earth, we'll turn the sun into a time bomb and high tail it to the next solar system to start our conquest all over. I'm kind of liking this idea actually. Reducing all of humanity into one giant military with the sole purpose of destroying life everywhere.

    If you thought Kim Jong was Il mentally, just wait till I'm president. You ain't seen nothin yet.
    Last edited by Jack House; 02-19-2012 at 04:39 PM.

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    I want some of whatever it is you're drinking.

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    Regular Member Jack House's Avatar
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    JD and coke coming right up.

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    Jack Daniels, hold the coke, hold the glass.

  19. #19
    Regular Member Jack House's Avatar
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    *slides a bottle of JD over to PPM*

    You have taste, lass.

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    Here's to your Presidency! *drinks*

  21. #21
    Regular Member Jack House's Avatar
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    And here is to you, it is only through your support that these things are possible. *drinks*



    Posted using my HTCEvo via Tapatalk

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    Free Klondike bars and Jack Daniels...



    You sir, have a bright future in politics!

  23. #23
    Regular Member Jack House's Avatar
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    All of my life, my parents, my teachers, my authority figures. They all though I'd make a great lawyer due to my ability to discover and squeeze through the tinniest of loopholes in the most solid of laws/rules. Little did they know that it was just practice for when I became a politician.

    All that JD I've been buying? It's not for me, I'm not an alco. I've had maybe three drinks in the last two weeks. No, it's for the voters. All the Klondike Bars? Well, I've been losing weight, haven't I? Can't really do that while on a strict diet of chocolatey ice cream goodness. That's not to say that one can't indulge their good senses with a delicious Klondike Bar regularly. But I digress.

    You see, a lot of politicians think that they have to buy their way into office by exchanging handjobs for campaign contributions from big businesses and favors from other politicians with big financial supporters. Nah. I know the secret. All you have to do is offer free Klondike Bars and JD to those loyal to you, and BAM! You end up with far greater support than what big business would give you. You don't have to spend lavishly on big campaign ads that call the other guy(or girl) fat. Just promise everyone free Klondike Bars and JD and all of a sudden everyone is not only voting for you, but helping to pay what little campaign expenses you have, mostly the Klondike & JD bills.

    Yes, my plan is flawless, yes I will be the next president, and no, unlike Obama, I do not offer false promises of hope. I offer something tangible, something that can actually be had, and something that will be had. I offer Klondike Bars and JD for all! And how do I plan to pay this? Not with Ameircan tax payer dollars, no, that wouldn't be a free bar at all! No, I'll pay for it by taxing the other countries so they wont get blowed up first.

  24. #24
    Campaign Veteran since9's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Jack House View Post
    Yes, my plan is flawless, yes I will be the next president...
    So, that's how the world ends?
    The First protects the Second, and the Second protects the First. Together, they protect the rest of our Bill of Rights and our United States Constitution, and help We the People protect ourselves in the spirit of our Declaration of Independence.

  25. #25
    Regular Member Jack House's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by since9 View Post
    So, that's how the world ends?
    Quote Originally Posted by Jack House View Post
    You see, something else happens this year. It's the presidential elections. What no one yet realizes is that they will be pushed back to December 21st. On that day, either myself or Obama shall be elected. If either party is elected, it will without doubt mean the beginning of the end for the world.

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