OPEN CARRIER HATES GOLDFISH!
Disassociated Press 11/16/12
On the heels of the sensational video where students
froze a goldfish in liquid nitrogen and then revived him, a
local open carrier is combining sport fishing with shooting practice.
He advocates torturing a goldfish with a laser device intended
for use in improving shooting skill.
PETA spokeswoman, Annie Killcat lambasted the practice;
and offered to store in their freezers any goldfish who met
an untimely end from the activity. "Its cruel. Our
research shows the animals suffer badly. Only fishermen
deserve such an ugly end," she said.
The ASPGF said the punishment should be scaled to fit the
crime, noting that the comment could hook other OCers into
the practice.
Several carnival operators simply said, "Cool!"
Unnamed sources speculated that the OCer pushing the
practice was simply trying to get practice lasers banned by
gun control advocates, noting he probably owns a shooting
range and knew the controversy would steer business from
lasers back to traditional shooting ranges.
Barrel-makers breathed a sigh of relief when they realized
this might mean an end to endless barrel repairs. "Actually, we
hate the adage about shooting fish in a barrel. You have no idea
how much time and energy it takes to repair a shot-up barrel"
said one barrel cooper who didn't want to give his name.
Dr. I. Fryebrane, an eminent psychiatrist who specializes in cranial
proctology commented, "This hatred of goldfish is highly significant!
It proves the subject has confusions between investments, the animal
world, and violence. When I interviewed the subject, he disavowed
any hatred of fish, saying it was a casual, off-hand remark. And, as we all
know, offhand is a position used in shooting. So, his problem is very
deep-seated." Fryebrane also offered to begin research on abused
goldfish if he can win government support, looking forward to the
day when insurance would cover mental therapy for abused goldfish.
This article was not compiled from wire reports but from a vivid imagination.
