Need some help: wife opposes me carrying

[DaveT319]

Wow, quite a lot to cover here, so here goes:

If I was the OP's spouse, after reading his posts, I would not want him carrying a handgun either.

1. He mentions he'd be OK with leaving it in the car. Unattended gun!?
2. He mentions he'd insert himself into the situation to save someone else. Saving strangers!?

I think the OP should be asking himself why he wants to carry, and to align his priorities. He should NOT be doing things he wouldn't do unarmed.

FWIW.

1. So you're telling me you've never left a firearm locked in the trunk or in a lockable glove compartment? Do you really think I'd just leave it sitting on the passenger seat?!
2. Yes, I WOULD come to the aid of someone else. That's the kind of person I am. Hell, I have even come to the aid of cops to help them make an arrest when the suspect was resisting. So if I were someplace where a random mass-shooting happened, I would very likely try to help save innocent lives. I guess you're the kind of person who would just pull out your phone and record it for YouTube...

that said, give your partner a NRA basic pistol class for a birthday, anniversary, or what the hell gift! then take the class with them and keep your mouth shut when they are shooting and let the instructor do the instructing.

if she doesn't appreciate the course and still feels uncomfortable around your firearms...you have tried and then have the talk...stifle it edith!

i liken it to trying to get your offspring to eating broccoli - you gotta try it once, then if you don't like it so be it, but you at least have to try it!

ipse

I've brought up having her take the basic pistol class. Can't say she was eager to do it, but I think she would at least give it a go. But I'd definitely rather not give her any ultimatums if I can. In the end, though, I feel very strongly about being able to protect ourselves should the need arise, so it's just a matter of figuring out how to get her to accept it.

Not trying to tell you how to live your life but here is where you went wrong. There is some good advice about taking her to range etc here but at the end of the day, the head of the household makes the final decision and it clearly isnt you.

First of all, there is no "head of the household" here. We are equals. I hate this idea that the man should be "the man" and what he says goes. That's so arcane a concept that I can hardly wrap my head around it.

Second, I didn't spell out the rules she came up with that I agreed to, but here they are: the gun could be loaded at night and on the nightstand, but during the day it should be unloaded and put away. And I was fine with that, until I made the decision to open carry. So now it no longer gets put away.

We're being asked to advise with limited information. Can you explain if the issue is the firearm being present, or is the issue you, present with a firearm?

If the objections are about you being the one carting around a firearm rather than the simple existence of a firearm in her world, it would help if you'd clarify what fuels her misgivings and objections. You state she's not ignorant of the basics of firearms, so I can only suppose her objections are not that the firearm will jump up on it's own and shoot someone. It may be as simple that this woman is uncomfortable with you being in her presence, or being seen in public with you, carrying a firearm. There's history, and we don't know what that history is.

I don't feel I've really left anything out. She never really liked the idea of having a gun in the house. Even when I was going to be a police officer she didn't like that there'd be a gun in our home, but she accepted it. And now that I'm not able to be a cop (medical stuff), I think she feels even more strongly that there's no reason for us to have a gun. I think she's using the past (never been the victims of violent crime) to justify the position that no gun will be needed in the future.

I think the only problem she has with ME carrying - especially open - is the unwanted attention we might receive. I don't believe it's an issue of she doesn't trust me with it. At least, she hasn't said so.

DM hit the nail on the head.

Go forth armed where legal to do so and she will get used to it. Discuss it no more, just do it. You arming yourself should be no different than you slapping that cell phone on your hip. Place the burden on her to decide, husband with gun, or no husband. The mere fact that you will go out armed is the only thing she needs to know, and no words are required for her to know.

The key is to not engage in any confrontational conversations. Go forth armed and let her choose.

But I don't want to give her that kind of ultimatum. I'd like her to accept it, but not completely reluctantly. I'm just trying to figure out how to get her there.

I think it would be better to make the wife an ally rather than present her with an ultimatum. I doubt that will make her anything but defensive and more resistant.

If you are carrying for defense, and she objects, there are plenty of examples to show her victims of crime were not born so; it happened, suddenly and unexpectedly. Others have touched upon the "I couldn't forgive myself if something happened to you and I could have stopped it..." angle.

If you are carrying for your own desire, interest or statement, and she objects, ask her if you are not an adult with your own interests and volition, and can she respect your choices as you respect hers, even in light of disagreement?

This is the way I'm trying to go. Mostly I'm carrying for personal defense, but part of it since I'm open carrying is making a statement about my rights.

OK, Mr Smarty Pants, I triple dog dare you to put your Glock on the dashboard of your truck and go into the Mall and shop for two hours. After all it's just like getting a GPS stolen.

You think I really meant something like that? I was talking about in a locked glove compartment, or in the trunk. You think any truly responsible gun owner would be so stupid as to leave a gun on their dash?!

She seems to not want you to carry a gun, for sure. Even owning one seems to have pissed her off, but she tolerates it, now.Years, and she "disagrees" with you getting a CCO. If she has not changer her position then she won't. But, you did get the CCP, and somehow you remain married.

Too late for that. Engaging with her for these past several years has not changed her mind or her position. She has only come to accept what is and continues to press you on those points that you have conceded to her.

The choice is hers, live with it or not. Married, or not. It is tough, but you have, it seems, been the accommodating one on this issue. Her, not even close. She accepts what is and moves on. She will do so again. Carry and ignore her on this particular issue, it is not worth it to say something just to convince her that will make matters worse.

You life, your wife.

Yeah, this is a tough one. Her objections don't seem to be so much about ME carrying as much as carrying in general (I think she sees it as being paranoid). AND she doesn't much like having the gun in the house in the first place. She accepted my hunting rifle because it served a specific purpose, and when not in use it is locked up. But with a handgun, she just seems to think it's unnecessary.

This.

Your were born with your right to defend yourself... you were not born with a wife. And I bet you had an interest in firearms before you got married. Your right to carry a firearm takes precedence over your wife's privilege to complain about it and try to give you grief. Of course it is in both of your interests to maintain and promote a happy life together. Marriage takes work and effort and a lot of give and take. But there are some things that just have to be asserted and you fundamental rights are at the top of that list.

Yes, but I'd rather not do it at the expense of my marriage. It's just trying to figure out how to get her to accept it without her giving ME an ultimatum.

 

[Bernymac]

In the end, though, I feel very strongly about being able to protect ourselves should the need arise, so it's just a matter of figuring out how to get her to accept it.

First of all, there is no "head of the household" here. We are equals. I hate this idea that the man should be "the man" and what he says goes. That's so arcane a concept that I can hardly wrap my head around it.

I think the only problem she has with ME carrying - especially open - is the unwanted attention we might receive. I don't believe it's an issue of she doesn't trust me with it. At least, she hasn't said so.

But I don't want to give her that kind of ultimatum. I'd like her to accept it, but not completely reluctantly. I'm just trying to figure out how to get her there.

Yeah, this is a tough one. Her objections don't seem to be so much about ME carrying as much as carrying in general (I think she sees it as being paranoid). AND she doesn't much like having the gun in the house in the first place. She accepted my hunting rifle because it served a specific purpose, and when not in use it is locked up. But with a handgun, she just seems to think it's unnecessary.

Yes, but I'd rather not do it at the expense of my marriage. It's just trying to figure out how to get her to accept it without her giving ME an ultimatum.

How long has she had this irrational fear of guns? If it has been a matter of years, then it will be a loooong uphill battle that you may ultimately not win "acceptance". The most you can hope for would be to desensitize her to your open carry by doing it constantly until she gets tired of saying anything. Attrition warfare is very effective...do not, for one moment think that this is not a war of sorts.

Equality??? Your wife thinks that she should have final say on the guns and your compromise reinforces that belief...there are plenty of inequalities in a marriage, if you believe otherwise is not logical. She made you do all these other things about the rules of have a gun in the house and you think you have equal say??? No sir...if she made you accept that, then no, there is no equality here. She's got you right where she wants you...or better yet, YOU've got her right where she wants YOU. SHE IS the head of the household.

As far as "ultimatum" goes, if your marriage breaks down because of a gun and your belief in being able to protect you and yours, then you really have deeper issues at hand. Seek marriage counseling not OCDO.

 

[DaveT319]

How long has she had this irrational fear of guns? If it has been a matter of years, then it will be a loooong uphill battle that you may ultimately not win "acceptance". The most you can hope for would be to desensitize her to your open carry by doing it constantly until she gets tired of saying anything. Attrition warfare is very effective...do not, for one moment think that this is not a war of sorts.

Equality??? Your wife thinks that she should have final say on the guns and your compromise reinforces that belief...there are plenty of inequalities in a marriage, if you believe otherwise is not logical. SHE IS the head of the household.

As far as "ultimatum" goes, if your marriage breaks down because of a gun and your belief in being able to protect you and yours, then you really have deeper issues at hand. Seek marriage counseling not OCDO.

It's been a very long time. I graduated from the police academy in '99, and she told me some time later that she was not happy about the idea of a gun being in our house since before that.

So I'm guessing YOU always have the final say on things? Just because I let her have a say that I agreed to at the time does NOT make her the head of the household. I guess you don't understand how marriage - one that works and lasts - is a two-way street.

 

[davidmcbeth]

It's been a very long time. I graduated from the police academy in '99, and she told me some time later that she was not happy about the idea of a gun being in our house since before that.

So I'm guessing YOU always have the final say on things? Just because I let her have a say that I agreed to at the time does NOT make her the head of the household. I guess you don't understand how marriage - one that works and lasts - is a two-way street.

Does she let you drive?

Maybe I don't understand your marriage ... mine I got down pat.

 

[DaveT319]

You guys are funny. Apparently because I compromise with my wife, somehow I'm a pu$$y...

 

[Tackleberry1]

I spotted the problem!

Women, in general, are control freaks. You "gave in", which has now reinforced her behavior.

Try to get her to honestly tell you why she has a problem with it. I guarantee none of her responses will be logical, but will be based completely on feelings.

Bingo!

I brought my first handgun home back in 1996... The wife took one look at it and said... "I WILL NOT HAVE A HANDGUN IN MY HOME!" She was watching ALOT of OPRAH back then.

Without looking up I said... "Your mother is 2 hours south, have a safe trip."

She stormed off to the bedroom, slammed the door, came out 2 hours later, "guess she could not come up with an objection to her active duty Infantry soldier/husbandbeing armed... And never brought it up again.

...and yes, we are still happily married. She is a 50/50 decision making partner on every issue... EXCEPT this one. I don't tell her how to decorate the home and she does not tell me how or when to defend it.

 

[DaveT319]

you might want to do a search for the various sites that catalog the gun-unfriendly businesses in your area/state.

Got links to any? I'm probably not using the right keywords in my searches, but I haven't found any other than friendorfoe.us, and that have very little info for this area so far.

 

[katenka]

You guys are funny. Apparently because I compromise with my wife, somehow I'm a pu$$y...

Hey, hey. You asked the question. People are just putting in their 2 cents

 

[Gallowmere]

Every time I read something like this, it just reminds me of how awesome my wife (who also carries) is. Thanks for that...and god help anyone who kicks in our door.

In a more serious vein, I second the recommendation that she attend a structured class, become involved with the online firearm community, and try out shooting for herself, in that order, in baby steps with whatever she is most comfortable with. I've noticed that so much fear and loathing in relation to firearms seems to stem from a total lack of knowledge. I've met more than one person who practically thinks that carrying a gun turns a person into Joe Pesci, a la Goodfellas.

 

[Bernymac]

It's been a very long time. I graduated from the police academy in '99, and she told me some time later that she was not happy about the idea of a gun being in our house since before that.

So I'm guessing YOU always have the final say on things? Just because I let her have a say that I agreed to at the time does NOT make her the head of the household. I guess you don't understand how marriage - one that works and lasts - is a two-way street.

Well, you guessed wrong. SHE has the final say in most things, except my guns and the vehicles. She's a hardened military wife, tough girl, very rational and she kept the household running flawlessly during my many deployments. I still find it odd that we kept our marriage together without the threat of any "ultimatum"...and I am fairly certain that I've been married a lot longer than you. Yup, I certainly don't have a clue about how a marriage works. But this is not about me is it? You don't need to convince us that you have a great marriage...not really the point is it?

This is you not being able to convince your wife and you not being able to accept that she runs the household and that you can't have a gun without her approval. How is that 2 way street going? More like a round-about with no exit huh?

Seek counseling, not OCDO.

 

[Haoleb]

that said, give your partner a NRA basic pistol class for a birthday, anniversary, or what the hell gift! then take the class with them and keep your mouth shut when they are shooting and let the instructor do the instructing.

This would be my suggestion. I wanted to take the class in order to get my concealed weapons permit, I wanted my girlfriend to come with me so that she could also get her permit and so that she could learn about firearms herself and know how to use them if I am not there. Having never shot a gun before this class it seemed like a good idea, after-all she would be more open to the experience if I was not the one doing the teaching... She told me she would go, but did not want to. And that I had to pay for it...

Afterwards she was happy she went, she enjoyed shooting the handguns and learning about them and we have gone to the range together since. When I brought my first handgun home she seemed a little apprehensive about it but was not against it (this was months before taking the pistol class together) Maybe once she has a chance to see that guns are not just evil killing machines and are actually fun and a good family sport she would open up to the idea more. Maybe pick up something like a ruger 22/45 to take to the range.

As an NRA member I get the american rifleman magazine every month, which has several stories of self defense in it. perhaps if she realized these happenings are more common than she might think she would be more open to it. Also on the outdoor channel they have mostly shooting sports related programs on Wednesdays including the best defense which focuses on self defense situations both with and without firearms. If she sees that someone who wants to protect themselves with a gun is a common thing maybe she won't just think you are trying to carry it around to be cool or whatever misconception there may be.

 

[WalkingWolf]

Very simply your wife has as much right to tell you when and when not to carry as you do to what clothes she wears.

 

[davidmcbeth]

I just thought that the guy had a vision problem ... so wifey don't want him to drive of carry. Seems as if its not so.

I think your wife is broke and needs fix'in.

 

[Firearms Iinstuctor]

I just think she need some tender loving care and just needs to be brought into the fold of a shooter and handgun owner.

I find once women get over there fear of guns they become very good shots and pro firearms.

If the problem is they are afraid of them.

The other reason for them not likening your guns is that they see your guns as a threat to their power and their trying to gain control over you. I see a lot of women trying to gain power and control by stopping their men from doing or giving up something that the man really likes to do.

That's a lot harder to cure then being afraid of them.

But then I only been married to my first and current wife for 33 plus years but then she hunts has her CCW and lets me buy all the guns I can afford ,she give up counting them after 50 or so, many years and guns ago.

I wore my PPK during the wedding every once in great while she well say do you really have to carry today I just smile and carry. She knows that she well not get any farther then that.

 

[Fuller Malarkey]

It's been a very long time. I graduated from the police academy in '99, and she told me some time later that she was not happy about the idea of a gun being in our house since before that.

So I'm guessing YOU always have the final say on things? Just because I let her have a say that I agreed to at the time does NOT make her the head of the household. I guess you don't understand how marriage - one that works and lasts - is a two-way street.

There's people on two way streets, one way streets and some are just plain lost. You do not know the answer to a very critical question that might provide some clarity to the issue:

Does your wife object to the presence of a gun in her world, or does she object to you .... having a handgun....while in her world.

You could trot her down to the NRA Hdqtrs on Waples Mill Rd and force her to take every course they offer, and it won't change a thing if the problem is not the gun, rather, the problem is you with a gun.

Not knowing indicates a communication problem that might be a greater issue than you being on carry restriction. Either she ain't talkin' or you ain't hearin'. When you come back and state she trusts you and has total confidence in your judgement, then maybe some discussion of "de-hoplophifying" her might be in order.

I got an idea. Why don't ya hand that posting device over to the little lady, let her become acquainted with the good folks here and let us work our magic on her a while?

 

[JoeSparky]

Or how about just telling her: I'm carrying my gun...end of conversation. Don't like it..there's the door.

This will settle the matter.

But that's just me...Mr. Sensitive.

IF one is to choose this route, just be sure you are willing to accept all possible consequences!

I suspect that sometimes "Mr Sensitive" isn't the wisest tool in the box!

 

[MKEgal]

"I've brought up having her take the basic pistol class. Can't say she was eager to do it, but I think she would at least give it a go."

If you see a Cornered Cat class near you, sign her up for it. See if there's an all-women class, 'cause the dynamic is completely different. Kathy Jackson is a nationally-known instructor.

www.corneredcat.com is a very good resource for women shooters, and has lots of useful info for shooters of all descriptions and plumbing types.

Here's why it's called "Cornered Cat", and would be a very good place for your wife to start exploring the articles on the site, as well as an explanation of why you carry.
There's a section on ethical questions, "why I carry a gun", understanding crime, and a section for men that you should read.


Beyond that, I think that Skidmark & PistolPackinMama gave good advice.
Try to get her to tell you exactly what her objection is, very specifically, and why she feels that way.
That's the only way you're going to be able to figure out how to help her address her fears or concerns.

 

[BB62]

...I got an idea. Why don't ya hand that posting device over to the little lady, let her become acquainted with the good folks here and let us work our magic on her a while?

I just might stay subscribed to this thread for that!!

 

[davidmcbeth]

I suspect that sometimes "Mr Sensitive" isn't the wisest tool in the box!

A blunt instrument ....

 

[since9]

Getting rid of your wife isn't an option. Educating her is. The vast majority of resistant to any kind of carry is the direct result of misinformation from which people derive errant conclusions.

The video of gal whose parents were victims in the Luby's massacre is a good start. This message forum is another.

I wouldn't try to convince her at all costs, however. If she's willing to listen, that's great. Breadcrumbs only. A little bit here. Couple of weeks later, a couple more. In the meantime, capitulate. Show her you honor and respect her and her own desires.

If she's not willing to listen, you'll eventually need to make a choice. If it were me, I'd chose the lady. Infinitely more valuable, in the long run.